I’ve never watched the Bachelor/ette because I have a healthy level of respect for myself and am not a masochist …is a sentence I was able to write until last night, when I willingly sat down and subjected myself to two hours of a boring girl pretending to search for true love on national television. At the beginning of the night I just hated this show, but by the end of it I hated myself. Thus is the power of The Bachelorette. Below is a minute-by-minute recap of the show by a guy who hates everything he’s watching.
8:01 – So I’ve never watched this show before, but according to last episode’s recap, apparently you just make out with all the people all the time. Truly, these people are in love. A few minutes in it also quickly becomes apparent that the people actually legitimately pretend they’re appearing on national TV to find a husband/wife. This is shocking.
We pan through all of the guys. Because I missed last week, I don’t know who any of these people are, and I don’t care enough to learn any of their names. It quickly becomes apparent that they’re all basically the same person, so this doesn’t matter.
8:05– We cut to some other girl crying on a bed. My source says she wasn’t chosen to be the Bachelorette or something. She cried a lot because she was really hoping that this would
launch her acting/being on the front cover of magazines career find her true love. I’m a little confused because I’m guessing there are thousands of other girls who were too shitty to be on the Bachelorette too, but for whatever reason we have to watch this one.
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Some other dude shows up and he’s wearing a sweater tied around his waist and no one mentions how weird this is. I guess he left the show last week cause he was so disappointed that crying chick didn’t get to be the bachelorette. So they’re dating now or something.
8:07 – We cut back to the dudes and they read some names for a “Group Date”. Because if you’re wanting to find someone to marry – hanging out with 8 dudes is the way to do that.
1st commercial break – So far everyone’s just drinking non-stop. Which, fair, cause so am I. Also – Its been 10 minutes and literally nothing has happened yet. 7 1/2 of these minutes were spend previewing stuff that we’re about to see five minutes from now. I will use these methods in order to effectively waste time at work from now on:
“Today we’re here to talk about our new initiative. But before we do that, I’d like to show you some preview Powerpoint slides of our upcoming slides. This is a picture of what slide 25 will look like. Doesn’t slide 25 look really dramatic? We’ll see that slide in about 15 minutes. Please look forward to it.”
8:12 – And we’re back. So they’re doing boxing. I like boxing. Lets see how they ruin things I love.
8: 15 – “Boxing is a lot like relationships” says Muhammed Ali’s daughter, as written by a show writer (probably). Do the writers of this show ever sit awake at night and question their career choices. Does Leila Ali?
8: 16 – During training, some random guy makes a joke about being blind. Are we cool with blind jokes? In the cannon of political correctness in the 21st century, how do we feel about insulting the blind? Genuinely curious here.
There’s a guy on this show named after the bad guy in Super Mario, King Koopa. Just noting that.
Commercial break #2 – I’ve been watching this show for 18 minutes and nothing has actually yet to happen.
The best thing so far has been that sweet San Andreas preview that’s played during the commercial break. The Rock, man. Remember in Furious Seven when he broke out of his arm cast by flexing. That was great. Lets make a reality show about him saving movie franchises. I’d watch that.
8:22 – The guys are going to beat each other up in the boxing ring now. Where did all these random spectator women come from? Watching these guys all punch each other in the head has been the first enjoyable thing so far tonight.
One guy beats the living shit out of another guy. The Bachelorette is freaking out because on her boxing date people did boxing and she didn’t want them to actually do the boxing during the boxing. This is high drama.
Commercial Break #3 – THINGS HAPPENED! Brahs punched each other in the face. Women cheered. I would watch this show. Do they do this every episode?
This Astronaut Wives Club show they keep advertising during the break looks absolutely terrible. I predict it will be cancelled after 1 season.
8:31 – We back! The dude that got his ass beat got a concussion. I love boxing.
8:35 – This is a conversation that just happened:
“I love to cook” “No way! Me too!”
As if no two people in the history of the Earth have ever both liked heating food up. Boxing winner found a way to work a sad mom cancer story into this cooking conversation. Really great direction to take the first date, boxing guy. Are we still pretending that writers aren’t feeding these guys lines?
8:36 – So far, the theme of this show seems to be 1) People talk about a thing 2) Bachelorette voice-over recaps the things that were just talked about 3) Scott drinks alcohol and wonders how he got here.
8:37 – A guy just handed the Bachelorette a note and it’s played as the most dramatic thing ever. It’s just concussion guy. Apparently, he broke out of the hospital; chased by sedative needle wielding doctors. He Toyko Drifts into the parking lot and leaps from the car, rolling as he lands. He dramatically kisses the bachelorette and then sprints away, presumably to fight crime. None of this actually happened, but my version is way better than the boring conversation and make-out session that we’re subjected to.
8:38 – Update! Guys, Clint just got a “one-on-one”. I don’t know what this means. I’ve been informed that in normal people terms, it’s what they call a “date”.
8:39 – The guy who caused the concussion got a rose. Which means that in 2015, beating the living shit out of your competition is still the most effective way to get women.
Commercial Break #4 – I still don’t really get the appeal of this show. Most of the time everyone talks like normal humans, which is really, really boring. Its why we write dialogue in advance in actual television. Most people actually have very few interesting things to say.
8:45 – We’re back. Guys, I just learned some very important news. Apparently, Clint drew the host of the show riding on a Triceratops. He’s now my favorite. Lets do a spin off show where he just draws different people riding dinosaurs for 2 hours. I’d watch that. Episode 1: Miley Cyrus riding a Brontosaurus.
8:47 – The “one-on-one” date with Dino guy is some sort of photoshoot. We’re about to see a man pretend like he’s excited about a date involving taking pictures.
8:48 – We cut to this weird healer guy and without warning he goes on this long rant about what love is. Which basically boils down to him saying “love is…” and then randomly inserting any weird phrase he wants to. My favorite: “Love is as perennial as the grass.” So basically, love is a weed. It’s that annoying crabgrass shit that you try to kill with weed killer, but it just won’t fucking die and then you end up killing your whole lawn and poisoning your dog. But the weed is STILL there. Love man. Love. Weird Healer guy is now my favorite.
8: 49 – Back to the photoshoot. It’s this weird underwater thing that apparently engaged couples do. So naturally, perfect first date material.
8:50 – This photographer is not taking near enough advantage of using the phrase “go with the flow”
8:51 – “That was different for me because I’ve never had a first kiss underwater” – An actual thing that was just said. I have nothing to add to this. Just let it exist.
Commercial Break #5 – Guys we aren’t talking about how good these Jeff Goldblum Apartments.com adds are. They’re better than anything else I’ve seen tonight. Goldblum: he’s still got it.
8:59 – As the show draws to a close, I’d like to take the time to say this was a very interesting experience. By interesting, I mean generally awful. But hey, it’s over. We made it.
9:00 – I have just been informed that this show goes on for another hour. With the alcohol supplies running dangerously low, I’m not sure I’m going to make it.
9:01 – The one-on-one date continues. Dino guy is the best. Dinosaur drawings. We need more Dinosaur drawings.
9:04 – We flash to Healer guy saying some weird healer things! More healer guy! This guy might just be crazy. Crazy Healer guy is now my favorite. Sorry Dino guy.
9:06 – “There’s underwater Clint, there’s above water Clint, and then there’s rooftop Clint. And that’s next level.” This line is too horrible to be said by a normal human being. A writer wrote this. This show is fake. We’re all being lied to.
Commercial Break #6 – Dear god there are a lot of commercials.
Midway Recap! – Boxing date involved boxers beating the shit out of each other. Scott enjoyed. Both the winner and the loser got to make out with the bachelorette, which throws off my whole theory regarding the importance of learning how to efficiently punch dudes in the face. Then there was this weird underwater photoshoot and the Dino guy got a little as well. Healer guy is still crazy and really obsessed with plants. In spite of myself, I’m getting into the show, specifically healer guy. You have no idea how painful that realization was. I need more to drink.
9:08 – We’re back. Group Date #2 and Amy Schumer is here and my respect for her is on the edge of a fucking knife. Don’t do me like this, Amy.
9:11 – So, the thing about boring people…is that they’re also not very funny. Amy Schumer is trying her best to make everything that’s going on here remotely interesting. Good looking out, Amy. I hope you got lots of money out of this appearance.
Commercial break #7 – Unsurprisingly, the best part so far has been Amy Schumer. Which begs the question. Why am I not just watching Inside Amy Schumer? …Or anything else, really? Last night’s Game of Thrones was pretty good. Let’s all just go watch that.
Sidenote: The Rockets are up 10 points on the Warriors at half time. Sidenote to the sidenote: I’m watching this instead the basketball game. I regret nothing*
9:18 – We’re back. It’s time for these guys to tell some jokes…
9:25 -They were all boring, guys. All of them. like they weren’t even “so bad it’s funny” bad. This isn’t good tv. (Truth time – I actually typed this before crazy healer guy got on the stage and rambled incoherently for what appeared to be twenty minutes. Crazy healer guy is the best. He needs his own show. I want to get crazy healed.)
Commercial break #8 – It’s been almost 90 minutes at this point and it’s hard to think of a thing that would not be a better use of my time. I’ve constructed a list of things I’d rather be doing:
- Vacuuming my dog’s hair out of my car
- Doing my taxes
- Doing someone else’s taxes
- Sitting in traffic
- Going to the dentist
9:29 – Back – Turns out that it doesn’t matter how everyone did in the stand up thing because she loved them all. Which makes the entire segment a giant waste of time. Except for Amy Schumer. She’s still great. Inside Amy Schumer – Tuesdays at 9:30 on Comedy Central.
9:30 – A full grown man who also welds steel for a living just used the phrase “Love virgin” and talked about dog poop. Really clutch first date conversation, Steel guy.
9:31 – Cut to crazy healer guy just being crazy. Director cues up some Crazy Healer guy theme music, which is perfect. Good job, director.
Crazy Healer Guy just talked about a combination lock for what appeared to be 47 minutes. This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
9:33 – Actual (paraphrased) conversation:
“I really love my daughter”
“I really love that you love your daughter”
“I really love that you love that I love my daughter”
9:36 – Do you think any of these dudes can taste the other dudes when they’re making out with the Bachelorette?
9:38 – So suddenly we’re inventing drama by having I-love-my-daughter guy being really competitive with the rest of the guys for the bachelorette. They’re all pissed off about it for some reason. I still don’t understand this show. Isn’t that the point?
9:40 – Hit-by-car-guy tells story about how he was HIT BY A FUCKING CAR. Is this the first time in history of life that getting struck by a car has gotten you the girl? (Next day editor’s note: Back to the Future. I forgot about Back to the Future)
9:46 – We’re cutting back to crazy healer guy as much as possible because the editors have realized what we already know: Crazy healer guy is the best. Don’t leave, Crazy Healer guy.
Commercial break #….lets say 12 –
ABC has been advertising the shit out of this ‘The Whispers” show. Maybe its because I’ve been watching terrible TV for the past 2 hours, but it’s interesting looking (Next day editor’s note: It’s really, really not. I’m sorry for saying this).
9:52 – King Koopa grabs some solo time. I don’t actually have anything to say about this guy. I just wanted to draw more attention to the fact that there’s an adult male on this show who has the same name as the bad guy from Super Mario and nobody has mentioned it yet.
9:55 – Oh no, Koopa’s conversation is going really bad. Things that need to happen right now: Koopa kidnaps bachelorette and takes her back to his castle on his airship. Dinosaur-drawing guy and crazy-healer guy have to rescue her; battling through 8 worlds of moving platforms and turtle guys with hammers. They also eat mushrooms (provided by crazy healer guy, of course).
9:57 – Koopa drunkenly stammers his way through a conversation where he tries to convince Bachelorette to let him stay because “You’re really hot”. This brilliant strategy fails and he goes psycho cause he’s drunk and a giant spike-shelled turtle.
9:58 – So wait, isn’t this shit supposed to end with some giant rose ceremony? Two hours and we have to “to be continued” this shit? This is the most wanton waste of airtime since 24 hour cable news.
9:59 – During the credits we finally get to see what jacket-around-the-waist guy and not-good-enough-to-be-on-the show-girl are up to. They’re in love or something. He’s wearing a beanie. The lesson here is if you’re not good enough to be on The Bachelorette you have to date a guy with a beanie.
10:00 – The end. I’m gonna go pass out.
We did it! The show was about what I expected. I’d by lying if I said I didn’t get a little into it at some point. The absolute bonkers shit crazy healer guy was spouting got me fairly engaged. The show definitely feeds lines to the characters, edits for maximum drama and cuts the “coming up next” moments to make it seem like more crazy stuff is happening than actually is. I feel like that’s pretty standard reality tv fare these days, though. So, whatever.
I still don’t get it though… Do you guys watch this because you think they’re actually going to find love? Does anyone buy that this is remotely real? Or do you just hate-watch it every week like I just did? Two hours a week seems like a lot of effort. More power to you, I guess. I don’t have the energy for this.