You fools. You damn fools.
Last week I watched The Bachelorette for the first time and it was just as terrible as I anticipated. I wrote about it because I figured if I’m going to suffer through this, you all should too. What I didn’t tell you is I was only watching it to make someone else happy. And that I had made a bet with her that if my silly little recap got enough views, I would do it again.
Well it did. You viewed the shit out of it. It got more clicks than everything else I’ve ever written…combined. So I’m back.
I hope you’re fucking happy.
This week we’re going to shake things up and play a Bachelorette drinking game. I got pretty drunk last time, but not near enough to cause amnesia, which would have been preferable. I went online and looked up some of the most popular drinking game rules for this show, but they all sucked so we’re gonna make up our own.
- Every time I say “This is stupid”, “I hate my readers”, or “Why did you make me do this again?” – take a drink
- Every time someone cries (including me) – take a drink
- Every time there is a moment of latent homo-eroticism between two contestants – take a drink
- Every time crazy healer guy goes on some sort of long, weird crazy healer guy tangent – take a drink and then celebrate him and all his glory.
- Every time crazy healer guy mentions any kind of plant – take a drink.
- Every time crazy healer guy does anything…anything at all – take a drink
- Every time I miss Amy Schumer – take a drink
- Every time ABC (NBC?) advertises some crappy show that’s probably getting cancelled immediately – take a drink
- Every time I wonder what King Koopa would do in this same situation – take two drinks (One for Koopa – miss you brah)
- Every time I question the decisions that have led me to this point in my life – finish your drink, refill it, and then finish that one too for good measure
Drink #1 – We start things off with me immediately chugging my entire drink, refilling it and then drinking again. It was wine. This is awful. I’m here sitting on my couch watching terrible TV again. It hasn’t even started yet.
Drink #2 – I’m not sure this counts as my rule but I’m drinking for my boy King Koopa, still going on his crazy rant. I just saw Koopa’s stupid looking suspenders for the first time. I drank again for that….I don’t know why. Also I’m pretty sure I just heard him make some sort of growling noise. He also spewed fire.
Drink #3 – Bachelorette is crying about Koopa. The crying rule was a really bad idea.
Drink #4 – Crazy healer guy! He agrees with the Bachelorette and makes sure she knows it. He then does this weird prayhands thing. I love you Crazy Healer Guy. Like how much you love trees-level love.
Drink #5 – They’re advertising The Whispers again. I’m curious, are any of you planning on watching this show? Holy shit, it’s on tonight. I might drunk watch it. (Editor’s Note: I didn’t)
Drink #6,#7, #8, #9 – “Stepping away from my business and my dog and my bonsai trees, all the things that I love in this world. I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.” I just chugged through this whole thing. This is incredible. I fucking love you Crazy Healer Guy. Never change.
Drink #10 – CRAZY HEALER GUY GETS THE LAST ROSE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. I FINISH MY DRINK AND ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE I’M SO EXCITED AND THAT IS DEPRESSING AND FUCK EVERYTHING.
Drink #11 – She’s crying again. I would believe this whole “I didn’t realize this would be so hard” thing, except didn’t she do this whole show last year?
Drink #12 – During the commercial break I’m shown a YouTube video of a crazy chick from a previous season of the bachelor. This is what’s happening now. I’m watching more bachelor in between bachelor. Why did you make me do this?
Drink #13 – I don’t have a rule for this, but I’m drinking for the fine racial insensitivity line we’re walking here with this Japanese Sumo Wrestler date. There is no doubt in my mind that Crazy Healer guy is going to love the shit out of this.
Drink #14 – “I love Japanese culture. I love sushi and….” this guy has no other examples of Japanese culture.
Drink #15 – Crazy Healer guy is going on Sumo date! Crazy Healer Drink.
Drink #16 – Guys I swear I didn’t know they were gonna be half naked in sumo costumes when I made the homoeroticism rule. They just spent the last few minutes talking about how they couldn’t help looking at each other’s junk.
Drink #17 – Hey this has nothing to do with any of my rules, but they just advertised the new film Me And Earl And The Dying Girl and it’s actually really really good. Look for my review later in the week and go see it when it comes out on June 12th.
Drink #18 – It’s that stupid Astronaut’s Wives show again. Is it possible for a show to get cancelled before it even premiers?
Drink #19 – I don’t know how to describe what Crazy Healer Guy just did during the sumo match, but I’m so proud of him.
Drink #20 – Crazy Healer guy wants to remind us all that he views the world through the eyes of a child. Guys, I’m really starting to worry that Crazy Healer Guy is going to leave the show… He’s really upset right now. He hates violence!
Drink #21 – This show is just all about Crazy Healer Guy and I’m loving it. He has so much to offer! …He just flexed his pec! He just flexed his pec in the middle of a super serious conversation with the Bachelorette! Bless you, Crazy Healer Guy.
Drink #22 – Guys, the central conflict of this episode of a nationally broadcast television show is a crazy healer person is upset that the sumo wrestling group date on a dating game show is too violent. This is why the terrorists hate us.
Drink #23 – HE FLEXED HIS PEC AGAIN! While meditating on the side of a weird mountain house. And then as we break to commercial the sound guys throw an eagle caw for some weird reason. I like to think that the sound guys just got really bored and just started throwing shit in there for fun.
Drink #24 – “Remember when you paused it and I had to stare at a sumo wrestlers crotch for 5 minutes.” Sometimes the most enjoyment I get out of this whole thing is what the people I’m watching it with say.
Drink #26 – Crazy Healer Guy is still on his anti-violence rant. “Why can’t we go to the fucking zoo and imitate animals. Who makes the best elephant noise?” Crazy Healer Guy, I’d go to the zoo with you any time you want. We’d see the monkeys. You’d comment on the flora. We’d laugh.
Drink #27 – Crazy healer guy is crying….and he’s…leaving? No! Now I’m crying.
Drink #28 – He’s holding a tiny flower and smelling it during his final confrontation with the Bachelorette. While most of the stuff in this show is scripted and total bullshit, I completely believe this was his idea. Oh and this final talk happens at a Japanese Patagonia* because we’re really driving the Japan theme here. Get it guys!? Japan! Sumo! Sushi!
(Editing note: Drunk Scott meant a Japanese pagoda. I thought about correcting this but the idea of imagining what a Japanese Patagonia would look like made me laugh, so it stays).
Drink #29 – “I picked this for you” Crazy Healer Guy hands Bachelorette his hilariously tiny daisy and leaves the show. God dammit, Crazy Healer Guy, why are you doing this to me? Go home to your Bonsais good buddy. You’ve earned it.
Drink #30 – I finish my drink because of this conversation with my girlfriend:
“I like him, he’s my favorite. Or one of them. I have five.” Now that crazy healer guys is gone I just feel bitter and frustrated.
Drink #31 – Some random dude that is so bland I can’t even come up with a funny nickname for him utters the phrase “I’ve never fallen so hard so quickly.” Scott utters the phrase “This is so fucking stupid,” and takes another drink. And somehow this obvious line leads to Bland Guy getting a rose because why the fuck not.
Drink #32 –
Me: “I don’t know how you remember all these guys’ names. I don’t remember any of them.”
*I’m shown that the name (and occupation) of every single guy on the show appears under their face as they talk*
Me: “This is stupid. I fucking hate my readers.”
Drink #33 – Who the fuck is Chris Harrison? Apparently he is the host of the show. Apparently I’ve been told this multiple times. (Editor’s Note – I vaguely recall asking this two more times before the end of the show.)
Drink #34 – The Bachelorette just called some guy a “babe soda”….or I think that’s what she said? I Googled it, it’s not an actual thing. I don’t even know what rules I’m playing by now, but I take like 4 gulps because fuck it.
Midway Point – 1 hour to go. Pretty drunk.
Drink #35 – Bachelorette is going on a date with Babe Soda to one of those Escape Room things, which I’ve read are actually really, really cool. There’s one in Dallas that I want to try out. Note to Sober Scott – include a link. (Editor’s Note – I got your back Drunk Scott)
But the best part about all of this, right as the Bachelorette is losing her shit due to a random killer pigeon the following flashes on the screen:
“The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience”
Fuck. Yes. Anyone curious as to how King Koopa would react to added animals and insects? Like a fucking boss, that’s how. Miss you Koop:
Drink #36 – Babe Soda: “I’m really emotional but it’s all in here” *points to head*
I paused the show at this point and said “Hold on, I need to figure out how to respond to this shit.” How I responded was to finish my glass of wine and hug my dog, wondering exactly where I went wrong in my life.
Drink #37 – Jesus Christ. Babe Soda, on his second one-on-one date in so many weeks brings up his dead mother again. Look, I’m not trying to be insensitive here, and I get that losing your mother is one of the defining moments of your life, but bringing it up twice in front of cameras to elicit sympathy is kinda total bullshit right? No one talks about how they haven’t cried in 11 years unless they’re trying to bring about a certain reaction and that reaction is ‘I want this chick to bang me’. He also gets a rose out of it. Fuck, I’m starting to take this show too seriously. Finishing my drink.
Drink #38 – The show is really starting to lean hard on this weird bromance between Underwater-Date-Guy and Loves-His-Daughter-Guy. I swear I didn’t know about this when I made this drinking rule.
Drink #39 – One of the guys just basically said if the Bachelorette was his teacher he would want to bang her. They’re at an elementary school. What the fuck.
Drink #40 – I don’t think this is the show playing things up anymore, two of the guys might just be gay together. I’m happy for them. (Editor’s Note – Full disclosure at this point my DVR messed up and I might have lost some of the two guys romping around, but I feel like I saw enough)
Drink #41 – All of the guys are teaching sex ed to a bunch of child actors. I am laughing my ass off. Welder guy is the best.
Drink #42 – Virgin Josh is a virgin. They haven’t said this yet, but they play awkward music every time he talks about relationships and stuff and keep focusing on how he hasn’t done much with women . I support Virgin Josh and his decision to not be successful with any woman he’s tried to hook up with. You go Virgin Josh. Drinking for you.
Drink #43 – Guys…once again, I did not make the drinking rule knowing that this was the episode in which two men would fall in love But I just watched one man serenade another with a guitar. I’m so happy for these two clearly gay men. I look forward to the awkward conversation with the Bachelorette in which they refuse the roses and end up with each other.
Drink #44 – I just finished my drink because the show came back from commercials and I got excited about it. What is happening to me?
Drink #45 – Bromance couple keep talking about how they love each other and then Undersea-Photo-Guy makes a move on the Bachelorette….just so he can stay in the house and expand his relationship with his boyfriend.
Drink #46 – Guys, he just said that he wasn’t really interested in the Bachelorette at all. I thought this was just a joke both the show and I were making, but these two men might actually love each other.
Drink #47 – Someone just made the joke that I made last week about the competitors tasting each other while making out with the Bachelorette. I want credit.
Drink #48 – The drama that the show ends with is all about Undersea-Photo-Guy and his supposed two facedness. But today, on the day that Caitlyn Jenner reveals herself to the world, can’t we just accept each other for who we are? Undersea-Photo-Guy is in love with Loves-His-Daughter-Guy, and there’s nothing wrong with that, The Bachelorette. Nothing.
Drink #49 – I miss Crazy Healer Guy.
So there we have it. Another week, another episode. The final tally between the two of us was 3 bottles of wine and 1 beer that I chugged in rage when Crazy Healer Guy left. I have no idea how much of that was just me, but I do have a giant hangover.
Readers, if you want me to keep doing this, please share it! The more views I get the more likely I am to put myself through this torture for another week.