You keep reading these damn articles. Like a lot of you. It’s not even funny anymore. Did you guys know I write these great movie reviews? Cause I do! Here’s one. And here. Have another! These are pretty great too and way less stupid.
Oh…you…you just want more angry, bitter Bachelorette recaps? That’s cool. I guess I can do that too.
I’m gonna be honest, after Crazy Healer Guy’s departure last week I’m really worried about this show going forward. It was always painful to watch, but at least it was crazy to the level of funny. Not even a couple of clearly homosexual lovers pretending to be pursuing the same woman can turn this thing around for me at this point.
So instead of laughing at all the stupid things Crazy Healer Guy says, I’m just gonna get my girlfriend really drunk and laugh at all the stupid things she says. That’ll probably be funny, right?
We’re eating cheese and drinking wine because apparently that’s what you’re supposed to do when you watch The Bachelorette. Can anyone back this up? Is this a thing?
GF: “You know what goes really well with cheese on crackers? Jelly!” Gross…
GF (reading me writing this): “It’s true though!” It’s not. She brought me some Jelly. It’s really not. Strawberry, Gouda and gross. We’re starting things off great tonight.
I don’t remember the context of the following conversation at all:
GF: “You just need a good role model. Like I do. My role model is Kaitlyn Bristowe”
Me: “…I don’t know who that is.”
Her: “…That’s the Bachelorette!”
Three weeks in and I still don’t know anything about what I’m watching.
The show finally starts and we’re immediately thrown back into Douchebag Possibly Gay Guy drama from last week. The Bachelorette takes him aside to yell at him or something. She’s convinced he’s two faced because when 13 other guys tell you something it has to be true. Except when those 13 other guys are a part of a dating competition where getting rid of competitors would be strategically advantageous and oh my god when did I start analyzing the strategy of this stupid show.
GF: “Clint is such a dick. He doesn’t even like her. Poor Kaitlyn. He doesn’t even like her! He probably would like you, though.” Yes she said the same thing twice. She also tried to wink at me and it looked a little like this:
GF just realized that the bachelorette and Caitlyn Jenner have the same name and now is convinced that that’s intentional or something. We’ve now paused the show and are comparing the looks of the two. Apparently they have very similar bottom lips. We also just googled the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, so that’s something the NSA will have on me forever. For those of you that don’t know what it is, apparently children were sucking on a shotglass for so long that the blood vessels in their lips were bursting. This was all to get fuller looking lips. Kids are stupid.
Douchebag Gay Guy is trying to save his skin and he’s doing this by talking about how much he and Loves His Daughter guy like each other. They’re “very, very, very, very close”. Interesting strategy, let’s see if this pays off for him.
GF: “I knew a guy named JJ. He got really mad at me at a gas station pump. Lesson being, you don’t take some random girl out for Valentines Day.” I think I missed some parts of this story but she was talking really fast.
Bachelorette tells Douchebag Gay Guy that she’s done with him and then they walk back to the rest of the group holding hands because that’s what you do when you trust someone so little that you’re going to kick him off your show.
Sidenote, at some point in all this my girlfriend called me Clint and then yelled at me for not responding.
GF (reading that): “I did call you Clint and I’m so sorry. But you look nothing like him and you’re so much better than him and you don’t like men.” Perfect.
Loves His Daughter Guy suddenly betrays Douchebag Gay Guy and he looks so brokenhearted. The couple are now having a lovers spat and it’s the most dramatic, emotional thing on this show.
GF: “Man…I wish I knew what words they were beeping out?”
Me: “Wait…seriously? Fuck…they’re beeping out Fuck.”
The line of the night, possibly the century is “Hey that tie goes really well with your shirt. Fuck you.” Aces, Douchebag Gay Guy. Aces.
Loves His Daughter Guy is crying and slapping himself on the face and it’s all really weird. It occurs to me that he might not even be doing this because of Douchebag Gay Guy. Maybe he’s just missing his daughter. Maybe the editors are a bunch of liars and they’re manipulating your emotions by editing a bunch of unrelated scenes together to construct some sort of false narrative. Or maybe I’m just bitter.
GF (reading this): “You’re just bitter.”
Guys someone just said “‘Broback’ Mountain just turned into ‘Broback’ Volcano.” This is the best line in the history of ever. There’s no way a writer didn’t come up with that. No normal human being is this clever.
So everyone is heading to New York City now. Apparently this is the first stop on a worldwide tour of places that this show will ruin for me forever. Thanks, show.
The first group date is going to be rapping with Doug E Fresh, so we’re once again going to be dangerously skirting a sensitive racial line. Next week I’m sure we’ll piss off some Hispanic people; complete the trifecta.
And almost on cue the Bachelorette just had to define what a ‘rap battle’ is for the audience. “It’s when you rap, but also say mean things to each other.” (Paraphrasing). And now she’s attempting to freestyle. She’s really white. She also thinks that hip hop was invented in in NYC, which I think the West Coast rappers are probably going to take issue with. Maybe the East Coast/West Coast battle will erupt again and the Bachelorette will go the way of Biggie. (Editor’s Note: I got a little dark here. I actually really like Biggie. Did you see that movie Notorious? It was pretty good.)
The “Loves His Daughter Guy is definitely gay” evidence just keeps piling up as he admits that he listens to Broadway show tunes ‘religiously.’ Now hear me out, stereotypes are bad and there’s nothing wrong with liking Broadway Musicals. But come on! Do you think if Douchebag Gay Guy was here he would take him out on a date? Would they see Wicked? Hedwig? Mama Mia!? I have to know these things.
So some guy is “back” and I don’t understand what’s going on at all, but apparently it’s like the most dramatic thing ever. Evidently, it’s some guy from a previous season that she’s never actually met and wants to date him now too, but everyone’s super upset. Guys, she’s been making out with these 18 guys for four weeks now. And now she just wants to bring in a 19th? Thats just one too many guys. She’s formed a really close bond with these 18 other guy’s tongues.
I don’t have any more funny girlfriend quotes because at this point she’s passed out from too much wine and I’m just watching this show by myself. She’s probably gonna make me delete this part tomorrow but lets put it in here to see if she notices. (Editor’s note: Score, it’s staying)
Does anyone else miss the antics of Crazy Healer Guy!? Can you imagine how well he would have done in the rap battle? Well I did. So I looked him up on Twitter. AND GUESS WHAT:
My rap: I love plants and go on epic rants…because violent dates are lame…I was there for love..it's not a game. #bachelorette 😜
— Tony Harris (@Tony_the_Healer) June 9, 2015
God bless you Crazy Healer Guy. You and your amazing Twitter handle.
Old Season Guy makes out with the Bachelorette because it turns out 19 is actually the perfect amount of tongues. She still doesn’t know if she wants to invite him on the show or not and he’s still pretending he flew out here because he wanted to marry her and not just cause he wanted to be on TV again. This is modern drama.
Girlfriend wakes up suddenly without warning here and looks at the TV and says the following:
GF: “Oh my gosh It’s that crazy girl I told you about! Onion! Onion!” She’s talking about the hairdresser currently working on the bachelorette’s hair. This is either something she’s told me about in the past or she’s having a stroke. It’s about 50/50 right now. (Editor’s Note – Apparently this girl was also on a season of the Bachelor and she said some crazy things about onions. So I think we’re stroke-free over here).
Old Season Guy is officially joining the show now, and apparently that’s going to be the big drama of the week. We spend most of the time listening to pissed off men whine about how not fair this is. Do we remember when the drama was about how Crazy Healer Guy was so disturbed by sumo wrestling that he had to storm off and flex his pecs? What happened to that show? I kinda liked that one.
The One-on-One date for this week is…I legitimately don’t know who this guy is, let’s call him MET guy. Anyway, they get to get all fancy and go eat dinner in the MET which has been rented out exclusively for them because this is reality TV and that’s what normal everyday people do on dates.
MET Guy wrote Bachelorette a poem and now she loves him because, as Robin Williams said, that’s what poetry is for. Good job MET Guy. You’re not Crazy Healer Guy, but you’re legit. I’ll like you for now. MET Guy also gets a rose and a fancy helicopter ride so at least the world kind of makes sense.
(Girlfriend update: She’s passed out again)
On the second group date (I’ve cracked this shows formula now) they’re going to Broadway and all of the dudes are learning how to dance and sing to the Aladdin musical. They’re all various levels of terrible. The theme of all these dates appears to be please embarrass yourself as much as possible and then I’ll pick the the least embarrassing one to make out with. It’s like bird mating calls except with way more alcohol and much worse singing.
One guy gives an awful, over the top rendition of “A Whole New World”, which of course means he wins the competition and gets to appear on Broadway with the Bachelorette. He might have ruined Aladdin forever. From now on whenever I watch this movie or hear this song I will now think of this asshole. I’m calling him Aladdin Fuck Guy. Thanks, Aladdin Fuck Guy.
Steel Welder Guy, just as frustrated as I am, said “I used to punch haybales at home and it made me feel better.” This has now become the new gold standard for the definition of hick. Going forward all hickness will be measured on the “use of hay bail punching to work out aggression” scale.
It turns out Bachelorette and Aladdin Fuck Guy actually get to be on a real broadway performance in front of real people. But in the end they just stand around out there looking awkward and thank God didn’t ruin the musical for all the people that paid a crapload of money to see it. Aladdin Fuck Guy gets a rose because destroying my childhood memories is romantic or some shit. I dunno.
As my third week of this comes to a close, let’s take a moment and make sure we get something perfectly straight: This show is really stupid. Like, incredibly stupid…
But there are moments when even I am forced to recognize the director’s and editor’s brilliance. This week’s episode is closing on the dramatic moment when Old Show Guy moves into the New York hotel room with a bunch of other dudes that hate him. And there’s a moment when he gets on the elevator heading up to the room and suddenly the perfect (and clearly edited-in during post) elevator music starts playing. The shot holds on this moment. We ride up the elevator with this guy in real time. It’s so damn awkward. It’s perfect. Good job, Director. Stop working on this stupid show and go direct a movie or something.
The credits begin to roll and we get to see another update on Not Good Enough For The Show Girl and Sweater Around The Waist Guy. Why do we care about these people? Why do we care about any of this!? Why do I believe their relationship 10x more than any of the guys the Bachelorette is currently hooking up with? Why do I keep writing these things!?
So many questions. So little answers.
Next week on Scott Watches The Bachelorette: More dates! More drama! More clever editing to make normal, semi-uninteresting events look overly dramatic! I can’t wait.