Scott Watches THE BACHELORETTE Part IV or (That Time I Pissed Off The Entire City Of San Antonio)

Bachelorette

Part I, Part II, Part III

Previously on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:

  • One half of the ambiguously gay duo was sent home, leaving the other half, Loves His Daughter Guy broken hearted and alone.
  • Scott misses the wise words of Crazy Healer Guy.
  • Old Show Guy made his triumphant return to the show and everybody was a bunch of whiney bitches about it.
  • Both New York City and Aladdin were forever tainted by the terribleness that is this show.

What awaits us this week?  Let’s find out!

6:59 PM – Before I get started, I thought I’d share with you the address for Crazy Healer Guy’s new website.  http://www.tonythehealer.com/  Did you guys just spend 20 minutes on this thing?  It’s incredible isn’t it?  Also, Crazy Healer Guy followed me on Twitter last week, so I’m basically a celebrity.  Unfortunately 140 characters is an insufficient length to fully reveal his insanity.  #Tonyforbachelor

7:00 – Old Show Guy comes into the apartment and every single dude is on one giant couch so he has to go sit on the opposite giant couch.  This is one of those moments that was totally scripted on this “reality TV show”.

7:03 – Steel Welder guy gets all pissed off at Old Show Guy cause he calls the Bachelorette a ‘cool chick’ instead of an ‘amazing woman’.  Old Show Guy thinks this is as stupid and nonsensical as I do.  Maybe stick to attaching metal together instead of hearts, Steel Welder Guy.

Citi_FIeld_Night

7:10 – It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.  And it’s at…wait…Citi Field?  Home of my beloved New York Mets!?  Seriously, show?  WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING ALL THE THINGS THAT I LOVE?

7:13 – Number of Baseball related puns I’ve heard in the past 3 minutes:  Eight hundred and twelve.

7:14 – Definitely Gay Showtunes Guy (formerly Loves His Daughter Guy) runs all of the bases with the Bachelorette.  This makes the first time he’s gotten to third base with a woman.

7:17 – Calls Bachelorette On Her Shit Guy (CBOHS) calls out the Bachelorette on her shit re: Old Show Guy.  And every scene has some Mets stuff in the background and this is slowly killing me.

7:20 – The rose ceremony is taking place in the middle of the baseball diamond in winter.  It’s clear that some stupid production assistant thought this was a great idea but no one bothered to tell any of the dudes.  Because they’re all freezing their balls off out there.  Hilarious.

7:22 – The best part of these rose ceremonies is I get to realize that I still have no clue who half these dudes are.  I don’t even recognize some of them.  Three guys just got sent home and I don’t know who any of them are.

7:25 – Bachelorette announces that they’re going to…San Antonio, Texas and…

*Flashback to last time on ‘Scott Watches The Bachelorette’*
The first group date is going to be rapping with Doug E Fresh, so we’re once again going to be dangerously skirting a sensitive racial line.  Next week I’m sure we’ll piss off some Hispanic people; complete the trifecta.”

It’s happening.  I am a prophet.  Tremble all ye and despair.  That or the formula of this show is so insanely predictable that even I can pick up on it.

7:30 – I apologize in advance to all my San Antonio readers who I’m sure I’m about to royally piss off for the next hour and a half.  San Antonio sucks.  Spurs suck.  Tim Duncan is old.  The Alamo is disappointing.  That’ll pretty much cover it.

7:31 – “We may be in Texas but this is not Nick’s first rodeo.”  GET IT GUYS.  CAUSE TEXAS!! RODEOS!  COUNTRY MUSIC!  STEREOTYPESSSSS.

7:32 – Bachelorette is going on a date with a guy that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.  They’re driving an old time truck and he’s wearing plaid and she’s wearing daisy dukes cause TEXAS Y’ALL.  God damnit.

7:34 – “My guess is guys are gonna come out guns ablazin’”

Quick, shitty intern, go get some stock footage of an old cannon so we can complete this expression with some timely literal imagery.  We’ll win an Emmy for sure!

Alamo Cannon

Perfect.

7:39 – Date with guy who I don’t know is two stepping.  BECAUSE TEXAS!  That’s all we do here ya’ll!  I’m gonna call this guy Two Step Charlie.

7:41 – They’re competing in a two step competition and some old lady is making metaphors about how dancing is like relationships and I can’t even be snarky here because she’s so damn adorable.

7:51 – Two Step Charlie is having trouble talking about his past relationships in front of a camera on national television and Bachelorette is judging him for it.  After 3 ½ episodes, I’ve decided that this girl is actually just a terrible person.  Can the final guy say no to her in the end?  I hope that happens.

7:53 – Two Step Charlie gets a Rose.  I have just been informed that if these guys don’t get the one-on-one rose they have to go home immediately?  That feels really gamey.  I thought the point was for people to find love, not just play a silly dating game?  …Just kidding.

8:00 – The group date is going to be Mariachi singing.  And like clockwork, here’s our insensitive Hispanic culture date.

8:07 – I feel like this is the third week in a row I’ve had to listen to guys write and perform shitty shit.  This is like the first couple episodes of American Idol that everyone watches just to make fun of the terrible people.  Except they get to make out with a good looking woman at the end.

8:14 – So Steel Welder Guy is getting his hair cut by the Bachelorette…?  I don’t understand what is happening?  Was this a date?  What does this have to do with San Antonio?  Every one in this town has bad hair cuts? (sorry)

8:16 – Old Show Guy just called Steel Welder Guy out on his stupid haircut date idea.  I think these two guys are gonna fight.  Crazy Healer Guy would not be pleased (this is only my second Crazy Healer Guy reference this week.  You should all be proud of me.  I’m learning how to quit him).

8:17 – Steel Welder Guy keeps talking about his “Guy Intuition” in regards to his distrust of Old Show Guy.  Ladies, let me put you at ease, this doesn’t exist.  We’re all idiots.  He’s basically saying his penis doesn’t like Old Show Guy.  Neither does my penis.

8:27 – Steel Welder Guy has decided his strategy for getting rid of Old Show Guy is to straight up lie to the Bachelorette.  I see several problems with this strategy:

  1. Everything is being filmed.
  2. He failed to let anyone else in on his master plan
  3. Everything is being filmed.

8:29 – Steel Welder Guys plan is as terrible as his haircut:  short, uneven, and stupid. And it’s currently blowing up in his face.

8:31 – Bachelorette gives the rose to Old Show Guy which feels like a move that’s designed solely to piss off Steel Welder Guy.  I love this.  Steel Welder Guy is as crazy as Crazy Healer Guy but in a way less fun way.  He does not see the world through the eyes of a child.  He does not have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.  He does not love bonsai trees.

8:37 – CBOHS Guy gets to go on a one on one date with the Bachelorette.  This goes to show you that calling someone else out on there shit always makes them fall in love with you.  Their date is kayaking on the river walk.  This is pretty fun I guess.  But the river walk is gross.  San Antonio sucks (sorry).

8:38 – Bachelorette just said that San Antonio reminded her of Europe.  She’s clearly never actually been to Europe.  San Antonio still sucks (sorry).

8:41 – CBOHS Guy just revealed that he was in a major car accident a few years ago.  Was everyone on this show struck by a vehicle!?  As cool as this story is, I have no idea how it relates to trying to find a wife, except to elicit bullshit sympathy with some sort of dramatic event.  Guess what CBOHS Guy, Babe Soda’s dying mom story is still way better than your stupid snowboarding accident.

8:43 – CBOHS Guy just said he was falling in love with the Bachelorette.  This means he’s the first guy to say that to her.  According to my sources (not reliable) the first guy that says this is usually the guy that wins it all.  This is an entirely reasonable reaction.  I too fall in love with girls after sharing them with 20 other guys over the course of 4 weeks while cameras film everything we do.  Happens ALL the time.  CBOHS Guy gets a rose because of course he does; he played the love card.

8:47 – Hit By A Car Guy (the original) is going on a rant about how he’s being ignored by the Bachelorette and how much this sucks because he’s a Princeton grad model who girls usually love.  This is the least amount sympathy I’ve ever felt for another human being in the history of forever.

8:48 – Hit By Car Guy (still the original) has decided he’s going to make his last stand with the Bachelorette at the rose ceremony at the Alamo, just like those brave defenders.  If fucking Davy Crockett knew that this is what his death would be used for he would have immediately surrendered (oh wait…he did…).

8:54 – MET Guy gets invited up to the Bachelorette’s room.  Are they gonna bang!?  …No, they’re just gonna talk.  Lame.  MET Guy says he’s also falling in love with the Bachelorette, which makes this the second guy to have said this to her in what I’m assuming is two hours.  Notice that the Bachelorette hasn’t said shit back to any of these guys.

I’ve just been informed that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to not tell any of the guys she loves him in front of the camera until the end of the show.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Are we still pretending this is reality TV?  This is bullshit!  I’m angry.

8:56 – Hit By Car Guy is upset that the Bachelorette just appears to want to just make out with a bunch of different people.  Hit By Car Guy, I fucking agree with you.  This is bullshit.  You’re a total douchebag, but this is bullshit.

8:59 – Hit By Car Guy just became the new Calls the Bachelorette Out On Her Shit Guy and the show ends in dramatic fashion before we get to see the fallout of all of this.

9:05 – I have just gone on a 5 minute rant on how bullshit this show is.  Because it totally is.  You have guys coming to this girl telling her that they’re falling in love with her after hanging out with her like twice over the course of a month and then minutes later she’s making out with some other random bro.  This isn’t how dating works.  This is bullshit.

I typed ‘bullshit’ 5 times in the final minutes of this show, but I’m pretty sure I said it at least twenty.  I’m gonna blame this on the alcohol, but I was legitimately angry by this point.  The most amazing thing over the last month of this experience is I’ve gone from hating every one of these stupid guys to hating the Bachelorette herself.  I’m totally on team Hit By Car Guy.  This show sucks.

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