Scott Watches THE BACHELORETTE Part V or (The Birds, The Bees, And The Cranberries)

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

Last time on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:

  • San Antonio was gross looking
  • Steel Welder Guy whined a lot about Old Show Guy and got a terrible haircut to match his terrible attitude
  • Pretty much everyone fell in love with the Bachelorette
  • Scott gets really angry and rants for like 20 minutes
  • The Original Hit By A Car Guy implements a complicated plan to win the Bachelorette over by behaving like a complete douchebag.  It’s probably gonna work.

So I had multiple people tell me that I came off a tad…bitter in my post last week.  Well, that’s because I was!  You can’t contain these emotions, loyal readers!  You don’t know what it’s like to both love and despise something simultaneously.  It’s all very confusing!  If only I had some sort of spiritual healer to talk me through these dark times…

Anyway, on with the show!

7:00 – We open up on Hit By A Car Guy deciding to be “honest” with The Bachelorette.  He’s complaining about all the guys making a bunch of poop and sex jokes and quoting movies all the time.  That’s literally the entirety of my conversations with my group of friends.  I therefore take this as a personal attack.  Screw you, Hit By A Car Guy. I hope you get hit by a…

oh…

7:02 – The guy who spent half of the last episode talking about how he went to Princeton and is a model and could get any girl he wants is now yelling at the Bachelorette for being shallow.  Starting to think that the car “accident” he was involved in was more of a car “you’re a douche so I’m gonna run you over.”

7:05 – The Bachelorette is super pissed.  Who’s the bitter, angry one now, readers!?

7:06 –  Hit By A Car Guy is going home where I’m sure he’ll have better luck finding super deep and complicated women by mentioning he went to Princeton every five minutes.  I mean, this is probably all bullshit, right? Why would you go on The fucking Bachelorette to find the world’s deepest intellectuals?

7:07 – Hit By Car Guy has now said the word ‘deep’ forty seven times in the last 60 seconds.

But seriously though.  If they make this guy The Bachelor, I would watch the shit out of that show. What if all the women just collectively decide to leave at the end of the first night?  That’s got to win an Emmy, right?

7:14 – Old Show Guy fills the all important role of “First Guy To Comfort The Angry Woman” basically guaranteeing he’s gonna get to bang her first.  Everyone else is super pissed off, especially Steel Welder Guy.

7:17 – Calls Bachelorette On Her Shit Guy (CBOHS) walks in on her making out with Old Show Guy and gets really pissed off and storms out.  I guess he hasn’t yet seen the parts where she’s done this with literally every other guy on the show.

7:22 – Bachelorette attempts to explain to us why it’s totally fine to be sticking her tongue down every guy’s throat.  It’s like she knew we were all judging the shit out of her.  But she’s clearly wearing a different outfit than the one in the last scene so who the hell knows when this was actually shot.  Reality TV, right guys?

7:23 – Some random dude (Editor’s Note: It’s that Chris Harrison guy) walks in.  All he does is walk into the room, clinks his glass, and then walks out.  How much money does this guy get and why is this role necessary on the show?

7:25 – They’re having the rose ceremony at The Alamo because of course they fucking are.  Steel Welder Guy:  “This is a different battle of survival.”  No shit Steel Welder Guy.  I’m sure Jim fucking Bowie was worried about if he was gonna get a flower or not.

7:28 – No kidding, we’ve had at least 25 Alamo “last stand” references over the course of this rose ceremony.  We’re not really big on subtext in the world of The Bachelorette.  Also, there are still two people on this show that I am almost 100% positive I’ve never seen before.

7:30 – Two people get sent home.  One of them is a giant lips guy I’ve never seen before (seen above).  The other is Steel Welder Guy.  The Bachelorette claims it had nothing to do with his creepy obsession with Old Show Guy, but it definitely had everything to do with his creepy obsession with Old Show Guy.

7:32 –  They’re going to Ireland next.  I’m a fourth Irish.  The show is just fucking with me at this point.

7:38 – Bachelorette: “I think Dublin, Ireland would be THE place for me to fall in love.  …Of course that can’t actually happen.  I’m contractually prevented from falling in love until a predetermined time controlled by that glass clinky guy from earlier.”  I paraphrased this quote a little.

7:44 – The One-on-one date is with Old Show Guy.  But unlike the other dates they appear to just be walking around not doing anything.  So it’s officially the most realistic date that’s occurred on the show so far.

7:46 – The “Bachelorette is afraid of pigeons” subplot rears its head again.  When the show doesn’t have any real drama to talk about, they try really hard to milk every moment, don’t they?  I hope this date ends with them at a special screening of Hitchcock’s The Birds.

7:49 – My new favorite thing is to watch all the random people around the couple while they’re on dates.  If you do this you get some of the best looks of confused disgust.  It’s the same look that’s on my face for two hours every Monday evening.

8:00 – One on One date with Old Show Guy ends with dinner in a church.  They make out heavily and talk about how much they want to bang.  In a church…  So we can officially add Jesus to the list of things that this show has offended.

8:03 – Bachelorette invites Old Show Guy back to her hotel room.  I think Old Show Guy is gonna get “lucky”.  Get it, guys?  Cause Ireland?  I got jokes!

8:08 – We get a bunch of scenes intercut with each other: The two guys desperately in love with the Bachelorette talking to each other about how they hope she’s having a shitty time while Bachelorette is getting her bang on with Old Show Guy.  At least they moved out of the church.

8:12 – So they banged.  I’m unfamiliar with the rules here, but apparently this is a huge deal?  I just assumed all of these people were banging constantly.  I have just been informed that this is the first time a bachelorette has hooked up with a guy beyond the regularly scheduled hooking up time at the end of the season (Apparently there is also a regularly scheduled hooking up time…).  The Bachelor apparently does it all the time.  This is a bullshit double standard.  You bang whoever you wanna bang, Bachelorette.  Go bang the clinky glass guy.  He seems into it.

8:16 – We come back from commercial to some stock images of birds and bees.  Do you get it guys!? Like sex?  They had sex!  SEX.

8:20 – Old Show Guy brags about his time with The Bachelorette, but somehow manages to avoid talking about the sexy time.  Good for you Old Show Guy.  Oh he also got a rose.  Did I forget to mention that?  It happened.  Sex Rose.

Bachelorette clearly regrets the sexy time as she has now remembered she had cameras following her everywhere she went.  We see her standing on a balcony talking to herself.  I can only assume she’s officially gone crazy.

8:25 – Group Date!  The date is an Irish Wake mourning/celebrating the “death” of the Bachelorette.  This is really fucked up.  Thousands of years of Irish heritage and the best you can do is pretend to be dead while dudes hit on you?

8:27 – I wonder how the guys are gonna feel when they learn the cause of death:  Excessive banging.

8:31 – Everyone gives weird and funny eulogies over the Bachelorette’s coffin.  Who’s idea was this date?  This is creepy as shit.  Hey show runners, let me give you a handy list of things that are not romantic:

  • Coffins
  • Wakes
  • Jokes about suicide

Do literally anything other than these things and you should be golden.

8:34 – When it’s Babe Soda’s turn to eulogize he once again brings up his dead mom. Way to kill the “jovial” pretending a person is dead mood, Babe Soda.

8:38 – Babe Soda is talking about how hard it is for him to show his emotions.  Except every single fucking time he’s had a conversation with the Bachelorette he’s poured out his emotions.  And he brings up his mom again because of course he does.

8:41 – MET guy keeps insulting the Bachelorette’s laugh.  I think he’s trying the whole ‘negging‘ strategy in that stupid The Game book.  Note:  That whole pick up artist shit is really, really stupid.

8:43 – CBOHS Guy knows that the Bachelorette hooked up with Old Show Guy and his plan to counter this is to show the Bachelorette a bunch of pictures of his family.  THIS IS BRILLIANT! He counters the dick with the pic!

8:46 – But it doesn’t pay off.  MET guy gets the rose.  Which just goes to show you that ‘negging’ actually works.  It’s still really stupid.  Don’t do it.

8:51 – Bachelorette is back in a church, this time with MET Guy.  Lets see how many more times they can piss off God in the next 10 minutes.

8:52 – There’s a band in the church primed to serenade them.  It’s The Cranberries!  I didn’t even know they still existed. I like to believe they just hang out in this church every evening singing “Zombie” and we happened to stumble upon them.

My girlfriend has never heard of The Cranberries and now I feel old.  Also, MET Guy keeps talking over them singing “Linger” and it’s pissing me off.

8:56 – CBOHS Guy is freaking the fuck out for some reason.  He’s talking to a random guy in a backwards cap that I’m guessing is a producer?  I kinda feel for this guy.  He seems like the only one that actually cares about The Bachelorette and is legitimately just upset that she’s willing to bang all these other dudes all the time.  I mean, I was really pissed off about all this at the end of last week, but I realize now that…it’s just how this show works.  Maybe CBOHS Guy shouldn’t have agreed to go on national television and compete with like 30 other dudes for one woman if he didn’t wanna share her.

8:59 – CBOHS Guy is doing what he does best: Calling the Bachelorette on her shit.  But the episode ends before we can see the payoff on any of this.  Next week I guess…

9:00 – Once again we see Sweater Around the Waist Guy and Not Good Enough For The Show Girl and their continuing relationship that I don’t give two shits about.  This went on for another minute or two but I wasn’t really paying attention.  Apparently she introduced him to her mom and her mom friendzoned him?  That’s weird.  I dunno.  She was wearing a horrible looking beanie, so apparently “shitty hat syndrome” is sexually transmitted.

Next week we finally get to see CBOHS Guy call out the Bachelorette on her shit.  She’s probably gonna cry a lot.  I can’t wait!!!

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