Previously on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- Hit by A Car Guy demonstrated how deep he was by calling the Bachelorette shallow and dramatically leaving the show. Weeks later while attempting to pick up some barflys by telling them all about his time at Princeton and lucrative modeling career, he was tragically struck by another vehicle. So he’s dead.
- Bachelorette forgot she was on national television and banged old show guy while still mic’d up. It was like Robert Durst, but creepier.
- On a weird Irish wake themed group date we got to see what I’m guessing is the world’s first nationally televised attempt to bring something dead back to life using romance. But enough about The Cranberry’s music career…
- Calls Bachelorette On Her Shit (CBOHS) Guy was having a panic attack and made about twenty three more references to how he’s gonna put his emotional walls back up. This guy’s walls come up and down more times than Berlin.
What will happen next? Who’s going home? How many more stupid Irish jokes can I make? Why are they always trying to steal my lucky charms?
Find out below!
7:00 – We dive right into CBOHS Guy’s dramatic confrontation with the Bachelorette. He immediately asks her if she is in love with him. After checking with both the producers and her extensive legal team, the Bachelorette is cleared to say that she’s falling in love with him. So she does that.
Sidenote – What does the phrase “falling in love with you” mean as compared to “in love with you?” Because like, “I’m falling into this pit” and “I’m in this pit” both still mean you’re gonna die trapped in a pit.
7:03 – CBOHS Guy is currently looking like a less emotionally stable Ryan Gosling
7:04 – Bachelorette keeps referencing the fact that she’s been “intimate” with Old Show Guy and how guilty that makes her feel while she’s all over Crazy Ryan Gosling (I’ve decided this is his new name). Is it just me or is using the word “intimate” making it sound less classy? I wish she would just say she banged the bowtie off him.
7:06 – She talks about how hard this is for her. Yes I’m very sure having a ton of people literally throwing themselves at you is very hard, Bachelorette. You’re really eliciting tons of sympathy. This is like that stupid billionaire who wrote the think piece on how tough his life is because everyone’s being really mean to the super rich. (Editor’s note: I attempted to Google this the next day and I couldn’t find this article. I might have made it up. Anyway, fuck billionaires).
Post-Publishing Edit: Turn’s out I didn’t make it up. Thanks to a friendly reader for pointing out this ridiculous article.
7:09 – We cut back from commercials to the Bachelorette standing on a balcony and looking into the distance, pondering her life. This is a thing that no person has ever naturally done in the history of balconies. And then we cut to Crazy Ryan Gosling sitting on some steps pondering his life. This was probably natural.
7:11 – Bachelorette is going on a “two on one” date with Definitely Gay Guy and some other guy I don’t think I’ve seen enough to bother naming. My sources say he’s the guy whose junk was hanging out during the whole Sumo date so I’m gonna call him Japanese Wang Guy (Editor’s Note: After I typed this I had to ask “Is this racist?” just to make sure. Judge’s ruling: Not Racist)
7:13 – So apparently with these “two on one” dates one of the people has to go home by the end of the date. The rules of this game show are super arbitrary.
7:14 – Japanese Wang Guy talks about how he’s never fallen for someone as quick as he has with the Bachelorette. This a sentiment echoed by basically every other guy on the show. Apparently the key to a quick, deep connection with a woman is a giant film crew standing around awkwardly watching everything you do
7:15 – Japanese Wang Guy drops the love bomb, basically guaranteeing that Definitely Gay Guy has to go home to his daughter empty handed. Don’t worry Definitely Gay Guy’s daughter. You’ll be getting a second daddy soon enough. #LoveWins.
7:17 – Definitely Gay Guy is set to reveal his deepest darkest secret. And I’m not gonna lie, I was ready for him to come bursting out of the closet. Instead, he say that three years ago he cheated on his wife (conveniently leaving out any gender identifying pronouns). It’s an interesting strategy, but I have a feeling that “I’m in love with you” is probably going to beat out “You’d probably feel excluded during our devil’s threesome.”
7:23 – In a move that surprises no one, Bachelorette sends Definitely Gay Guy home. I wish the show would just follow him from now as he struggles to rebuild his damaged relationship with his future life partner, Undersea Photoshoot Guy. It could culminate in their wedding. The Bachelorette could be the flower girl. Magical. #loveislove.
7:26 – Crazy Ryan Gosling says that when he and the Bachelorette were off camera she told him that he was “the one.” This reminds me of my girlfriend from Canada who was totally hot and definitely not made up.
7:33 – Crazy Ryan Gosling is freaking out again. The Bachelorette just rolled the shit out of her eyes because this guy is being ridiculous. He came to her room in the middle of the night just to tell her why he came to her room in the middle of last night. The Bachelorette exists in a world in which people can’t text or call each other. It’s like the 1950’s only with more hooking up and slightly less racism.
7:38 – Bachelorette tries in the nicest way possible to tell Crazy Ryan Gosling that he’s acting like a Crazy Ryan Gosling (like in Only God Forgives. Did you see that movie? He was fucking crazy in that one.)
7:45 – Rose Ceremony time. It’s at some castle. This is way less interesting than the Alamo. Why can’t we do this at some super stereotypical Irish place? Like the end of a rainbow? Or a Potato Farm? Or a back alley surrounded by micks drunk off their ass on whiskey? Don’t worry, it’s ok for me to make fun of Irish people because I’m a quarter Irish.
7:49 – Ok so turns out this wasn’t the rose ceremony, but rather the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. I have no idea what the fuck that means.
7:51 – Two Step Charlie is talking about what happened in San Antonio. “What happened off camera in San Antonio” has become the grassy knoll of The Bachelorette. There was a second shooter. And by shooter, I mean they probably banged.
8:00 – Old Show Guy corners the Bachelorette in what is set up to be the first time they’ve talked since bangtown. Bachelorette is all about damage control and Old Show Guy is all about extending the bangtrain.
8:03 – Old Show Guy starts crying. This is a natural reaction to learning that the girl you’re into is only concerned with making sure you don’t tell anyone else about Bangapallooza, and not too interested in continuing your relationship.
8:04 – The crying worked. Bangtacular 2015 continues.
8:06 – Bachelorette and Crazy Ryan Gosling are having another one on one conversation about the same damn thing they’ve talked about for the last two nights. This is the first time watching this show that’s I’ve been legitimately bored. How many times can they talk about the same thing? Yes, she’s into you. She’s also into all these other dudes. That’s the point of the show, Gosling.
8:08 – Bachelorette keeps talking about how hard this whole process is. I should have started a “This is really hard” count at the beginning of all this because she says it all the time (including during Bangchella).
8:15 – Rose Ceremony time! Two guys are going home: Guy Who I Don’t Know At All and Babe Soda.
Sorry Babe Soda, turns out constantly talking about your dead mom is not the path to marriage. Also sorry….other guy? I legitimately have no idea who you are. Good game.
8:17 – Babe Soda mentioned his dead mom again as he left the show because of course he fucking did.
8:26 – One on one date with MET Guy again. It’s another one of those goofy “let’s just drive around for a while” dates, but this time on the wrong side of the road! What a curveball. The Bachelorette hit the curb a bunch of times. Get it guys, cause women can’t drive!? Subtle sexism is the best sexism.
8:28 – MET guy calls the Bachelorette his “girlfriend.” This isn’t the first time that this has happened on this show, but it always makes me kind of sad. These guys all seem desperate to claim the girl as theirs but she seems pretty uninterested in being claimed. At least, not until she’s legally allowed to be as stipulated in her contract. Man, I wonder what that contract looks like? I bet it’s hilarious.
8:30 – MET Guy and Bachelorette kiss the Blarney stone together because there’s no way this show is going to go to Ireland and not do that. MET Guy talks about how he got really “lucky” with the Bachelorette in Ireland. Little does he know so did someone else. And by lucky I of course mean that time when Old Show Guy put his penis in her.
8:38 – Bachelorette keeps talking about the big mistake she made. No, loyal readers, this mistake is not the bangfest with Old Show Guy. She’s decided that the big mistake she has made was telling Crazy Ryan Gosling she was super into him off camera. That is, apparently, the source of all her problems. I haven’t seen this much scapegoating since Bush blamed Iraq for 9/11. Yeah that’s right; biting political humor. Deal with it.
8:41 – So some weird guy (Editor’s Note: It’s that Chris Harrison guy. He has the least memorable face ever) comes in and tells the Bachelorette that the show is changing its normal format and the “overnight dates” are right around the corner. So just so we’re clear: there is structured, schedule time for people to spend the night with the Bachelorette. This is so romantic. This is how I assume computers would have sex.
8:45 – Aladdin Fuck Guy gets a one on one date with Bachelorette. They both put on some scarfs. I don’t know how that’s relevant to anything, but the show made a point to show us this, so I guess it’s a big deal. Scarfs, right? Man’s neck foreskin.
8:49 – Aladdin Fuck Guy’s scarf has disappeared over the commercial break. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
8:52 – They’re having a picnic on the Cliffs of Moher because they have access to a helicopter and why not? It’s very clear that the Bachelorette really isn’t interested in Aladdin Fuck Guy at all. I can only assume she brought him out here to dramatically throw him off the cliff while screaming “Where’s your Genie now!?”
8:54 – The Bachelorette starts crying in the middle of their sweet cliff date. Nothing says I’m really into you quite like crying about other dudes while on a romantic date. You’re screwed Aladdin Fuck Guy. Do you know it yet?
8:56 – Yep. Bachelorette is sending Aladdin Fuck Guy home. He did not show her the world. Shining. Shimmering. Splendid.
8:58 – Bachelorette gets back in her helicopter and just fucking leaves him! Aladdin Fuck Guy is just standing awkwardly on the cliffs alone. I guess he’s just stuck out there forever now; spending his days wandering the Cliffs of Moher, belting “A Whole New World” in anguish, and wondering where it all went wrong.
8:59 – Aladdin Fuck Guy starts crying like a little Aladdin Fuck Bitch. Suddenly a producer is standing behind him. He stands him up, whispers something in his ear and then shoves him off the cliff to his death. “In the Game of Love you win or you die.”
Ok none of this actually happened, but wouldn’t that have been awesome?
9:00 – This show ends in a cliffhanger in that Aladdin Fuck Guy is just hanging out on a cliff. That’s a really bad joke but I’m pretty drunk and proud of it. So you’ll read it and like it.
There are only 5 guys left now, so I assume we’re in the home stretch? Starting to get really bored of this show now that all the legitimately crazy guys have left. Who will the Bachelorette end up with? What happens when all the other guys learn about bangopolis? When will this show end? Find out next time on Scott Watches The Bachelorette!