Last week on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- Crazy Ryan Gosling went full Crazy Ryan Goose
- They changed all the rules because Bachelorette banged one of the guys. So they felt she needed to bang more of the guys. You know, so it’s fair.
- Like 20 people were dramatically sent home/abandoned on cliffsides and we’re finally left with only 5 guys, all of which I actually know (sort of):
Japanese Wang Guy – This guy’s from the south. This is the only memorable characteristic he has.
Two Step Charlie – He’s one of the two guys that Bachelorette said something to off camera in San Antonio. He’s probably not gonna win.
MET Guy – I’m pretty sure this guy has been “friend zoned” if there is such a thing. He dropped the love bomb though, so he’s a lock for top 3.
Old Show Guy – aka Captain Banghammer. I’m assuming that this guy makes it to the final two just out of sexy time guilt.
Crazy Ryan Gosling – This guy is nuts, so he’ll probably win.
I’ve been reading a lot of things (yeah, I read things about this show now…what the fuck happened to me) that say this is the worst season ever. As a guy who’s only watched just this season, I completely agree. We’re in the home stretch though, only 4 episodes left (…Right?)
7:00 – We start things off with Bachelorette once again talking about how hard this whole process is. “Yesterday I sent home (Aladdin Fuck Guy) on our one on one date and it was probably the hardest thing I’ve done so far.”
Correction – Old Show Guy’s penis was the hardest thing she’s done so far. Be honest, the increasingly obvious sexual humor is what you come here for, isn’t it loyal readers?
7:04 – Two Step Charlie gets a one on one date. More like…two steps… right out the door…Charlie… Right guys?
7:05 – Two Step Charlie and Bachelorette’s date is a random rowboat ride. This date was originally planned to be with Crazy Ryan Gosling, but Nick Sparks threatened to sue for copyright infringement.
7:06 – Two Step Charlie says the magical island they row to reminds him of the Vikings. I have no idea why. Other things that remind Two Step Charlie of the Vikings (probably):
- Starburst Chewable Candies
- The New York Yankees
- A Cactus
7:07 – They play a riveting game of hide and seek in which Bachelorette’s hiding spot is in a corner in broad daylight. To be fair, “that place where all the cameras are pointing” would be pretty easy to find regardless of where she hid.
7:09 – I haven’t done this in a while, but I just saw the trailer for the new film Ricki And The Flash. I really love Meryl Streep, but this film looks AWFUL.
7:12 – Two Step Charlie talks about how they continue to go on all these “ordinary” dates that Bachelorette manages to make fun. Yes because rowing on an Irish lake to a secluded island ruin is a completely ordinary date that couples do all the time.
…Last night my girlfriend and I went to On The Border…and they were out of queso.
7:15 – Two Step Charlie says that the “overnight” dates are not about the banging. I can only assume he thinks that they’re for pillow fights, eating ice cream and talking about who’s getting fat (it’s totally Japanese Wang Guy).
7:17 – We just watched 4 grown men argue about what “run amok” means. Truly this is the zenith of American television.
7:18 – Two Step Charlie is not a virgin. We were all really worried about this.
7:24 – Bachelorette is going on a three on one date with Crazy Ryan Gosling, Old Show Guy, and Japanese Wang Guy. Gosling immediately takes her aside because his way of showing that he’s taken a step back and calmed down about the relationship is to grab her and immediately talk about the same shit he was talking about last week.
7:28 – Then Old Show Guy grabs her and takes her aside and they also talk about the same shit they were talking about last week. This is boring. I think I hate these two guys.
7:30 – Japanese Wang Guy now gets his own private time. They talked about stuff but I wasn’t paying attention cause I kept staring at the weird Velociraptor tooth Bachelorette was wearing around her neck. A gift from Chris Pratt, I’d assume.
7:32 – Japanese Wang Guy tells Bachelorette he’s in love with her and gets an immediate “that’s so flattering” Ouch. Wang Guy needs to commit Seppuku, stat.
7:37 – Bachelorette breaks Wang Guys heart. He takes it like a champ by acting really passive aggressive, refusing to hug her goodbye, and then storming off. Bachelorette in classic form, explains how hard that was for her. She’s great.
7:40 – Bachelorette has a rose to give but keeps it for herself because she’s clearly the best.
7:48 – Crazy Ryan Gosling gets more one on one time with Bachelorette. He’s really excited about all of this, but it’s really just so she can tell him about the bangtime with Old Show Guy. Gosling is about to lose it.
7:54 – Crazy Ryan Gosling goes to the bathroom to regroup after the bad news.
7:55 – For the first time on the show Crazy Ryan Gosling acts like a Level-headed Ryan Gosling and takes the news about as well as can be expected.
8:00 – Crazy Ryan Gosling refuses to call Old Show Guy by his actual name, only referring to him as “The Other Guy”. It’s this kind of emotional maturity that girls love to see in a 28 year old man. Even Harry Potter could say Voldemort.
8:01 – Crazy Ryan Gosling and Old Show Guy have an entire conversation filled with double speak. They’re both talking about the roses they didn’t get but the “real” conversation goes something like this:
“I know you fucked her.”
“Yeah, it was great. Did you fuck her?”
“I didn’t not fuck her.”
8:04 – In a dramatic twist of events the show decides to abandon its usual tactic of wasting as much time as possible and goes right to the next rose ceremony.
8:11 – The first rose goes to Crazy Ryan Gosling and instead of accepting it he pulls her aside to chastise her about Old Show Guy again.
8:15 – After what seems like 45 minutes of discussion, but what I’m sure is only like 5, they go back out to the rose ceremony having seemingly accomplished nothing. Bachelorette asks Gosling if he wants the rose again and this time he says yes…for….reasons?
8:16 – MET Guy gets sent home, where I’m sure he’ll try really hard to learn how to properly grow facial hair. He still offers Bachelorette his jacket when they go outside to have their final goodbyes, which only lends credence to the whole “nice guy friendzone” stereotype that I fucking hate. Hey guys, the “friend zone” isn’t a real thing. Just because a girl doesn’t have feelings for you doesn’t mean you’ve been “friend zoned”. Being nice to a girl doesn’t mean they have to reciprocate with a relationship. Stop blaming the “friend zone” on your romantic failures. This has been relationship corner with Scott Daly*
*Please note Scott Daly has miserably failed just about every relationship he’s been in and actually has no idea what he’s talking about.
8:26 – They’re in Cork now. I thought this was supposed to be a worldwide tour of love, but they’ve been in Ireland for what seems like 5 years. That’s cool though, Ireland is the best.
8:28 – Old Show Guy Date Time. This involves lots of making out, sexual tension, and going into churches.
8:39 – Crazy Ryan Gosling is being crazy and obsessive over Old Show Guy again. They’re kind of forming a Batman/Joker relationship here. I don’t know which one is which yet.
8:42 – Old Show Guy starts ragging on Crazy Ryan Gosling and completely throwing him under the bus. He’s the Joker He’s definitely the Joker.
8:46 – Old Show Guy and Bachelorette are given a key to the bang fantasy suite. So the first bang date is with the guy that already got to bang. This seems fair.
8:49 – “I love falling in love with you” says Old Show Guy. If we stop to analyze this sentence for a second we realize it actually means nothing.
8:50 – So they’re gonna have sex again. But this time it’s played as completely fine because it’s during the designated sex time. This show is fucked up.
8:55 – This time we get to see the morning after in which they eat eggs and bacon and chat. Seriously. The last time this happened there was dramatic music playing and Bachelorette cried and we treated this as a huge, terrible thing. But now it’s completely fine because we’ve “reached that point in the show” Am I the only one that finds this ridiculous?
8:57 – Oh shit. I thought we were done for the week but Crazy Ryan Gosling creepily calls the front desk and gets Old Show Guy’s room number. He walks over to his room and confronts him.
8:59 – So…they just yell at each other for two minutes about how neither of them think the other one is there for the right reasons. Then “To Be Continued” flashes on the screen. I haven’t been this disappointed since I heard Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were breaking up. To be fair, Batman doesn’t have time for relationships. He’s got to save Gotham. Two Batman references in one article. There’s a chance I’ve been playing too much of the new Batman game.
9:00 – We get another random update on Not Good Enough For The Show Girl and Jacket Around the Waist Guy. They’re gonna try a long distance relationship or something. I’m sure it’ll work out. Long distance always does.
Hey guys, we’re down to only 3 dudes left so the show is basically over now, right? Are you still having fun? My girlfriend goes out of town for the rest of the month so that means I have to watch these last three episodes by myself. This means she won’t be here to combat my snark. The last 3 episodes might be really angry and bitter. I apologize in advance. I’ll miss you Elyse.