Previously on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- The Bachelorette eliminated Japanese Wang Guy and MET Guy. Farewell, gentlemen, we hardly knew you. Like…literally. Funny story, sometimes I have to go look these guys up because I remember nothing about them, but while doing so I forgot that my names for them are made up and I have no idea who their actual names are. Oddly enough search results for “MET Guy” are weirder than “Japanese Wang Guy”.
- With our magic number down to 3 it’s time for network television sanctioned intercourse. First it’s with Old Show Guy because the dick you know is always better than the dick you’ve probably felt through jeans during all these awkward hugs these guys keep giving her.
- The Old Show Guy and Crazy Ryan Gosling feud just keeps on going. The phrase beating a dead horse doesn’t due justice to this played out storyline. Sidenote, who the fuck beats a dead horse? That’s really fucked up, origin of phrase guy.
So we’re coming down the end. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. By the end of this two hours we’ll be down to two guys and will somehow find a way to make the decision between them last for four more hours. I don’t even know how this is possible.
6:59 – I usually don’t comment on the little recap things, but the ABC guy just said “Tonight’s all new: Two fantasy suite dates…” Is there any other show out there in which the “Next On” guy basically gets to say: “This chick is gonna fuck two dudes tonight! You’re gonna wanna see this!”
Scandal, right? Probably Scandal.
7:05 – The “previously on” thing was like 5 minutes long and now we’re back to Old Show Guy and Crazy Ryan Gosling yelling at each other again. So not only did we recap this, but we’re just playing it again in case you didn’t know these two guys hated each other. This is really boring.
7:06 – I don’t think I’ll ever get over how casually they talk about their dates designed for them to end up having sex. It’s hilarious. Bachelorette is having her bang date with Two Step Charlie tonight.
7:07 – They’re riding horses today and the show is trying really really hard to make it seem like it’s just the two of them and they’re not constantly surrounded by horse experts. This includes one brilliantly framed shot in which they use a bush to hide what’s clearly another horseback rider riding in front of them. Great camera work, guys.
7:08 – After 2 minutes the Bachelorette has decided she was born to be on a horse. I hope at the end of the episode she gives a rose to Chip the horse instead of Ryan Gosling. God he’d be so mad. Can you imagine the scene where he calls the front desk of the hotel to find out which room Chip the horse is staying in? “I know she rode you yesterday.” Drama!
7:09 – They’ve attracted the interest of some hungry donkeys. The Bachelorette getting chased around by a bunch of jackasses is perhaps the most poignant meta commentary on the show I’ve seen yet.
7:10 – Look, Charlie Two Step is great. He’s basically never done anything wrong in the context of this ridiculous show. But he just gave this really weird speech about how he’s falling in love with her and then talked about the logic behind it for like twenty minutes. The Bachelorette’s response is “That’s really nice…” and then they didn’t look at each other for like 15 seconds.
But then they started making out so I guess she…liked it?
7:11 – “There is no moment in my life that I thought I would be staying in a castle in Ireland.” I’d be really worried about the person who didn’t agree with this statement. Are there people out there who say “I’ve always known I would be spending the night in an Irish castle one day?” I mean, the Queen probably?
7:16 – “I feel like there’s 200 years of love in this castle…” says the Bachelorette clearly not understanding most of what goes on in castles.
Yes, yes…definitely lots of love in this torture room. And over here is where I forced your mother, a girl of 13, to marry me. …There’s a chance I’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones.
7:18 – Charlie Two Step says it’s not hard to fall in love with The Bachelorette. A sentiment that is echoed by at least 20 other men at this point.
7:20 – Does anyone else think it’s weird that Chris Harrison signs the “take this key if you want to bang” card that he hands out during these dates. Were we really concerned about who this mysterious card came from? We know it was you Chris, get out from behind the couch.
7:21 – Bachelorette is quizzing Two Step to make sure he’s committed to her because sex is not a decision that she takes lightly…
Most of the time.
Ok, like half the time.
7:28 – Bachelorette says she didn’t expect to fall in love with Charlie Two Step. I know I’m new to this whole thing, but isn’t that literally exactly what you expect to happen on a dating show that ends with a marriage proposal?
7:30 – It’s time for the bang date with Crazy Ryan Gosling and they’re going to golf. Gosling compares relationships to Golf because…it’s something you can do when you’re old and grey? We get it show, everything can be a metaphor for a relationship, but you’re really reaching here. Guys, did you know Sumo Wrestling is a lot like relationships because you’re gonna spend a lot of time fat and half naked trying to suplex each other?
7:32 – Gosling is pretty bad at golf. I’m not gonna make any jokes here, because so am I. I know they probably rented the entire course for the day, but can you imagine being in the group playing behind them? I’d probably hit every single shot into them.
7:34 – In a move that will probably be described as the classiest thing to happen to the sport of Golf since Tiger Woods, The Bachelorette dares Gosling to streak naked across the golf course and he does. Golf, the sport of gentlemen.
7:40 – The Bachelorette says the last thing she wants to do is bring up the feud between the two guys, so naturally it’s the very first thing she does.
7:42 – So they’ve decided to go up to the bang suite, but possibly not to bang? Just to talk or something? This is the least romantic thing I’ve ever seen.
7:43 – Maybe they banged? Ryan Gosling leave the hotel in full crazy mode and Bachelorette looks pretty unsatisfied so probably not. But you never know with these two crazy birds!
7:48 – Gosling returns home and finds Old Show Guy waiting outside his room. They’re gonna fight. Again. Hurray.
7:50 – Gosling is CRAZY. He’s really upset about Old Show Guy telling The Bachelorette about him bragging at being Eskimo Brothers with someone. Is this a bad time to mention that both these guys are probably Eskimo Bros. now?
7:55 – It’s time for the last rose ceremony. Wait. Except for the final one, I guess? That doesn’t count. This is the last one? I dunno.
8:00 – They’re really stretching this thing out. And it’s annoying because I’m actually really curious to see who she sends home. Damnit show, you got me.
8:01 – In an attempt to calm down The Bachelorette, who is on the verge of a panic attack, Chris Harrison tells her “This is probably the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make in your entire life.” God damnit, Chris Harrison.
8:03 – It has been EIGHT minutes since this ceremony started and something has finally happened. The roses go to Old Show Guy and Crazy Ryan Gosling. Yay. I hope they fight more and stuff.
8:05 – So turns out being a perfect husband and everything on her checklist doesn’t actually matter because The Bachelorette secretly loves when guys fight over her. Sorry, Charlie Two Step, you were just too normal. I’ll always remember that one time you went two stepping. And…all those other times where you did…those…other…very memorable things…
8:07 – This show would be way better if they killed the guys that didn’t get picked and make the ones with roses watch. “You better make this girl love you or you’ll find yourself at the end of a rope.” Someone should make that into a movie. It could be like Hunger Games only with more bows and arrows.
8:09 – So The Bachelorette walks out of the room leaving the two dudes that hate each other just standing there. Guys, this is the best thing this show has ever filmed. They both chug the shit out of their champagne and then slowly meander over to a table where they very gingerly put the glass down. They refuse to look at each other and the entire scene is in complete silence with none of the stupid music they’re always playing. It’s shot from a high angle right below a chandelier so we can fully appreciate the emptiness of the space. It’s amazing. Emmys. Emmys for everyone.
8:15 – Old Show Guy says he’s in love with The Bachelorette. I’m still not clear on the big difference between ‘falling in love with’ and ‘in love with’, but the show plays it like it’s a huge deal so lets go ahead and say that. They’re also sitting by a fire on top of a mountain in Utah because this show is ridiculous.
8:18 – Old Show Guy is about to introduce The Bachelorette to his family and NONE of these people seem excited about this at all. When your sister is crying right before your girlfriend walks in the door, there might be some problems.
8:24 – Holy shit this guy has a lot of siblings. I stopped counting at like forty two.
8:25 – All these people seem super pissed off that their son/brother is back on this show. This is just awkward.
8:31 – If The Bachelorette doesn’t pick Old Show Guy, his mom is going to murder her. She will summon her army (her 3,000-ish children), march on the Bachelorette’s Irish castle, and raze it to the fucking ground.
8:40 – Bachelorette is about to meet Crazy Ryan Gosling’s family, but before that happens we get to hear Papa Goose basically expose the show’s ridiculous format. “It’s been what…6 weeks and he could be engaged two weeks from now?” I’m surprised they didn’t cut this out.
8:43 – At what point in this whole conversation does Ryan Gosling bring up to his family the fact that he’s been acting like an absolute crazy person for the past 4 weeks? “Dad…you’re gonna see some shit in a few months…and it’s not gonna make me look good.”
8:46 – It’s really tough to make jokes about these home visits because all of these people are having like actual, practical conversations about what this relationship could mean. It’s almost as if they’re taking this stuff seriously? Like a month ago we had a guy having a freak out about the violence of fake sumo wrestling and flexing his pecs. What the hell happened?
8:52 – This whole format is inherently awkward. Normally when you bring a girl home to your family they don’t also know that she’s doing this exact same thing with another family tomorrow. Everyone seems weirdly cool with that whole situation. Are they all staying at the same hotel? Do they like see each other in the bar?
8:57 – Crazy Ryan Gosling is in love! He’s also disappointed that The Bachelorette didn’t say it back. He’s apparently still really confused about the rules of this show.
8:59 – Can The Bachelorette choose both guys? Cause I feel like that’s gonna happen. They are in Utah after all. That’s a Mormon joke for you guys. You’re welcome.
9:00 – We get scenes from next week’s episode which apparently isn’t a real episode? All the crazy guys are coming back!? Does this mean…