Full disclosure time. I’m kind of out of my element here. This week I’m not home in my apartment with a glass of wine in my hand and a TV capable of pausing whenever I want to give me plenty of time to come up with funny(ish) commentary. Instead I’m sitting in a hotel room in Flushing, New York. A place so nice it was named after the act of making your shit go away after you’ve squeezed it out your body. I’ve got no wine and no magical TV pausing powers. But I’m committed to you people, damnit. So we’re gonna try our best here.
Given all of this, It is fitting that this week’s episode wasn’t your typical episode of The Bachelorette. In an attempt to squeeze more drama out the lifeless husk of a television show, our brilliant producers have decided to inserted a recap episode into a show that already spends like half its running time recapping itself. For those of you unfamiliar with Bachelor lingo, like I used to be (those were the days) the “Men Tell All” episode is where we get all the jilted losers of the show back in one room to talk about their feelings. Basically it’s like a two hour long Old Show Guy/Crazy Ryan Gosling battle royale, except those fuckers weren’t even there!
I attempted to approach this like any other episode and give my minute by minute recap. It became quickly apparent, however, that this wasn’t going to work. This was for two reasons:
- First, nothing actually happens on this episode. Seriously.
- Secondly, I honestly had no idea who half the dudes sitting in those chairs actually were.
So my notes quickly degenerated into me complaining about how stupid this all was and questioning who any of these fucking people were. Here’s a little snippet:
8:03 – It’s like a big family reunion only I don’t actually remember half of these people. I remember King Koopa though! KOOPA!! (Insert old pic of Koopa)
8:12 – 12 minutes in and nothing’s actually happened this episode yet
8:13 – Ok, so this is just a recap episode. This is gonna be boring. Guys, should I even write this?
8:19 – Hit By A Car Guy is back. And he’s down on his knees begging for forgiveness. Lame. He was way more interesting when he was a dick.
8:22 – Who the fuck is this random contestant talking so much? I have never seen this man before in my life
8:35 – Definitely Gay Guy- Boringgggg
This isn’t my best work. And there’s no way I could keep this going for the full two hours. I mean look, I wrote like half a page worth of notes for ¼ of the show. So we’re going to try something a little different. Usually my remarks are off the cuff and happen as I’m going through the show. But today, I’m writing this after having watched the entire thing.
The show’s primary structure is to go guy by guy throwing them in the “hot seat”, recapping their story and then asking them really stupid questions. We’re going to therefore ignore all the random people that I swear I have never seen before and do the same thing. First up, Mr. Princeton Model Himself.
Hit By A Car Guy
Hit By A Car Guy comes out the gate immediately in apology mode which makes him way more boring. The only logical conclusion is that he’s figured out that being a pompous asshole on national TV doesn’t really go over well with the super deep, intellectual ladies he’s going for. So he’s in damage control mode. Only he’s a crazy asshole so he literally gets down on his knees and begs America for forgiveness. Unfortunately, he was down so low that a car driving through the set wasn’t able to see him in time. So he’s dead.
Final Note: RIP
The Ambiguously Gay Duo
Underwater Photo Shoot guy’s primary goal in this seems to be convincing America that he is definitely straight. Meanwhile Definitely Gay Guy chooses to describe their friendship using as many obvious sexual references as possible. It’s good to see them doing so well.
I should mention here that the modus operandi amongst the crew seems to be to dramatically cut to a random woman in the audience every time they make a weird face at something “dramatic” that’s being discussed. This happens at least 500 times over the course of the episode.
Final Note: Definitely Gay Guy is going to be on The Bachelor In Paradise, where I’m sure he’ll find a way to prove that he’s definitely not gay. Jury is still out on whether I will be covering this show, but after tonight…I kinda doubt it.
I’ll give you one guess as to what his time in the hot seat focuses on…of fucking course
And look, I want to be perfectly clear again. I’m not saying that losing your mom to cancer at 13 doesn’t suck. I’m sure it does, and I’m sure it defines the person you are. But the reason this guy pulled that thing out at every moment was to win brownie points in the competition. Bottom line. Babe Soda tried to play the game, but the game played him. It’s ok though, judging by the 20 or so cut-aways to women in the audience eye-fucking the shit out of him, he’ll be ok. I’m sure there’s one in there his mom would love.
Final Note: I still don’t know if ‘Babe Soda’ is actually a thing or not. Or if that’s even what The Bachelorette even called him. One of those mysteries that will go unsolved forever.
I was actually at the Met today. It’s awesome. Met Guy: Not awesome.
This is one of those interviews that you gotta feel they wanted to get more out of, because nothing is actually said here. Met Guy is sad because he didn’t win. He says he actually loved The Bachelorette very much and he’s still not over her…we jumpcut to some audience member looking sad…and that’s it.
It’s at this point that I think I realized the problem with this “Men Tell All” format: The biggest amount of drama on this season centers around the two guys that are still in the game and therefor not able to attend this show. So much of the season has been spent talking about Old Show/Gosling shit that there’s really nothing else to recap. But they HAVE to fill this two hour long show, so we’re gonna make this guy relive all his sad memories for 20 minutes until it’s time for more “Clorox Bleachable Moment” commercials.
Final Note: Met Guy is also going on The Bachelor In Paradise, which I think hurts his nice guy cred, right? Isn’t that show just an excuse to film a bunch of drunk 20-somethings get shitfaced and bang?
Two Step Charlie
Poor, poor Charlie. Just like Met Guy, this entire interview is basically this:
“The Bachelorette sent you home. How did that make you feel?”
“It made me feel sad, Chris Harrison.”
*Dramatic cut to random audience member with shocked look on her face*
That’s it really. All the women are super sad for him. And by super sad for him I mean they want to bang the shit out of him.
Final Note: Word on the street is that this guy is going to be the next Bachelor. I don’t know enough about the show to know if that’s like a good thing or not…and I hope to never find out.
Crazy Healer Guy
This is bullshit.
Not only did we not get to sit this guy down and have a nice chat with him, but he didn’t even say a word the entire time? We barely even saw him! What the fuck Chris Harrison!? Crazy Healer Guy flew all the way out here to be on your show. He abandoned his extremely lucrative healing operation so he could get some closure with the Bachelorette. We couldn’t ask him one damn question?
Hey producers, guess how you fill a 15 minute slot of time on your stupid show? Ask Crazy Healer Guy about bonsai trees. Boom. Done. It’ll be 20 times more interesting than anything Mr. Can’t Grow A Beard will have to say.
Fuck. This. Show.
Finally we get the main lady out herself so all the guys can “confront” her.
But first, the show pulls a Jimmy Kimmel and reads some mean Tweets from people saying horrible things about The Bachelorette and hoping she was dead. Despite myself, I actually feel bad for this woman. Nobody deserves to be called the terrible shit these people were saying. Especially when all she did was hook up with a guy like 2 weeks before the predetermined hook up time. Hey Internet, you’re taking this shit too seriously. Also, if you’re expecting the lady on a bullshit reality TV show about dating to be a “role model” for your children, you’re a bad parent.
Anyway, after that the guys have their way with the Bachelorette and tell them how terrible she was and how much she hurt them. There’s so much drama and crazy music and everyones screaming at each other.
Actually none of that really happens. I think the whole listening to a bunch of anonymous internet assholes call her a whore and a slut kind of killed the mood. Everyone is pretty civil to each other. They talk a lot about bringing Old Show Guy on and how they felt that wasn’t really cool. Most of the people complaining about this, however, are guys I don’t recognize at all. Even Steel Welder Guy has backed off a bit, probably because he realized how fucking crazy he looked.
Finally, Hit By A Car Guy shows up magically again and apologizes to the Bachelorette. He gets down on his knees, immediately pulls a hammy, and then hands her a note. Classic Hit By A Car Guy.
Guys, this is very important…I have to find out what’s on the note. I will buy you so much alcohol if you find a way to figure out what was on that note. Use your contacts. Someones gotta be friends with a grip or an intern or something. MAKE THIS HAPPEN. #Uncoverthemystery
And then that’s the end. We barely talked to any of the other guys. King Koopa shouted a little bit because that’s what King Koopa does. This wasn’t so much a “Men Tell All” as it was a “a few guys tell some things.”
I somehow just spent 1800 words recapping a recap. I’m trapped in some kind of weird fucking time loop of doom. But this is it. The penultimate episode. Two hours between me and freedom.
So who do you think is gonna win it all? Do you even care anymore? Are you gonna go for hidden option C where they all agree to marry each other and move to a polygamist compound north of Salt Lake City? Is it possible that Gosling and Old Show just literally kill each other. Would that be considered a tie?
Lets answer all these questions and more on the FINAL episode of Scott Watches The Bachelorette. Next week!