A year ago, whether because of my own mild curiosity or some sort of innate masochism I decided to venture into the world of The Bachelorette. I had never watched a second of this reality TV show or it’s more masculine alternative, but I jumped in with as close to an open mind as I physically was able to have. I decided to take all of you guys on this journey along with me because I crave attention.
The results were…complicated. For weeks I toiled away at this ridiculous show, trying to squeeze as much entertainment out of it as possible while displaying my suffering for all the world to see. And you guys fucking loved it. The Scott Watches The Bachelorette series is still, one year later, the most popular thing we’ve ever done on this site. You assholes.
So, after a lot of soul searching (and a few late night cries) I decided to give things another go. The last time we did this, I was a newbie. I didn’t understand the rules of this show or how it worked. But now, the apprentice has become the master. I am a Bachelorette pro. I’m like that Reality Steve guy, only without the inside knowledge, huge following, or popular website. But I do actually know who Reality Steve is now. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something.
So without further ado, I give you my (almost) real-time thoughts and observations from Episode 1 of Scott watched The Bachelorette 2: Electric Boogaloo.
8:00: We start the show by recapping last season of The Bachelor. Fun fact, I actually did watch that one, although I didn’t write about it. Well, I it was on in the background while my girlfriend watched it. She told me during the first episode who was going to win, which made the entire show completely uninteresting. I don’t know how you people read the spoilers and then actually enjoy watching this stuff. (I refused to be told who wins this year, don’t worry).
8:02 – We’re learning about how Jojo (spoiler: this year’s Bachelorette) got totally fucked over by last year’s Bachelor, Ben. A man so bland and seemingly dead inside that I had to google synonyms for “boring” just to be able to construct an interesting sentence. I’m going with Aseptic. Aseptic: lacking vitality, emotion, or warmth. “Ben was an aseptic douchebagel” There’s your word of the day.
8:03 – Jojo asks “How can you love two people at once”. Pretty good question, Jo. Public Service Announcement: If you’re actually seriously in love with two different people at the same time…maybe it means you’re not ready to get married? Just a thought.
8:04 – This whole scene is Jojo in voiceover while we get a medium close up of her looking up at the sky pondering her existence. We’re 5 minutes in, and I am already regretting this…again.
8:05 – Jojo is sitting on a rock a la The Little Mermaid. When she gets hit by water she lets out one of the scariest cackles I’ve ever heard. So maybe less Ariel, more Ursula.
8:07 – Seeing the exasperated look on my face as we hit the first commercial break, my girlfriend attempts to calm me down and resell me on this project. “She’s from Dallas?” She says to me, hopefully. That’s right, the bachelorette is from my city. I guess that’s supposed to endear me to her or something. She’s one of us right?!
Note: I was going to write something mean about the citizens of Dallas here, but was told to erase it. Something about ostracising my audience? I did use the phrase “maximum overdrive of douchiness”, but that’s all I’ll tell you.
8:10 – We’re back from commercial and Jojo is meeting with some old Bachelorette ladies. I recognize one of them as that terrible human being from last season, but I don’t know who the others are. Per my girlfriend, one of these ladies didn’t even end up marrying the dude she picked on the show. So yeah, great person to give advice.
8:12 – The lady who lost The Bachelorette game said that her biggest failure was not getting to know the person she was going to marry. I’ll take “No Shit” for 1,000, Alex.
That was a Jeopardy joke. I don’t know if you got that. Do people watch Jeopardy anymore?
8:15 – My girlfriend wants everyone to know that she has not read any spoilers and that’s really hard for her to do. Please give her credit for this. She needs it.
8:19 – Chris Harrison is here again (I remember who he is now!) to introduce all the dudes. Like last year, I’m not going to really be bothered to learn all these guys names. We will give them nicknames.
8:20 – First up is Fireman dude. He seems pretty level headed and normal, so I’m sure he’ll get kicked off immediately.
8:21 – Next up is…Aaron Rodgers little brother? Is this what the world has come to? Aaron Rodgers brother has to go on national TV to get a girlfriend? Aaron…hook your little brother up. Jesus. Anyway, he was also an NFL quarterback, but “retired” last year. By “retired” I of course mean “wasn’t good enough and got kicked off the team.” We’re gonna call him “Sad Mr. Rodgers.”
8:22 – It is at this point that my girlfriend admits that she actually did look up spoilers. 7 minutes. That lasted 7 minutes.
8:23 – Next up is a short looking Marine who is also a twin. I’m sure there are some jokes here, but I don’t feel like making them. #Supportourtroops
8:24 – After that is a guy who lists his career as “bachelor superfan”. I was going to make fun of that, but I’m sitting here on a Monday night writing about the fucking Bachelorette, so I’m not really in a place to make any snap judgements. I will say that when you advertise that you throw Bachelorette viewing parties, you should invite over more than 2 of your friends during the taping. We’re gonna call him “Hits too close to home” guy.
8:25 – The next guy works as an Erectile Dysfunction specialist. Look, that’s an important job and I’m not gonna make fun of it. You know who did not agree with these sentiments? The writers of The Bachelorette. They forced “Boner Guy” as we’re calling him, to make every imaginable erection pun in the world in the span of a 30 second interview. It must have been really hard for them (I’m so, so sorry).
8:25 – There was another guy in here that was so bland I completely missed him. We’ll circle back with him later.
8:26 – So this next guy…his story seems really sad. Biracial kid with a racist grandfather… I really don’t want to make fun of him and you can’t make me. He seems like a smart guy with a good head on his shoulders, so why the hell is he appearing on this television show? We’re gonna hold off on a nickname for this guy, because his story depressed me and I just want to move on.
8:27 – Which is great because the next person up is “Texas Stereotype Guy”! Imagine a stereotype that a person will have of Texas, and this is your dude. He’s also a Military Vet because of course. I was gonna say something nice about him, but then at the end of the interview they had him lean up against a red barn and I want to die.
8:35 – So apparently, even though we haven’t met all the men yet, we’re stopping the introductions to watch people walk out of limos. I didn’t watch the very first episode of The Bachelorette last year, and I’m kind of glad. This is pretty boring.
8:36 – The first guy out the door is Sad Rodgers. He managed to introduce himself without name dropping his brother. Good job, Sad Mr. Rodgers.
8:37 – The next guy out, is someone I’ve never seen before. Have I mentioned that this format makes no sense? Because, this format makes no sense. Are we going to have intro videos for all these people? No?
8:37 – Firefighter guy comes out of the limo next and proceeds to hit on Jojo by reminding her of her terrible heartbreak that occurred a few months ago. The way to a woman’s heart is by depressing the fuck out of her, apparently.
8:38 – Another guy that we’ve never met before comes out. He owns a Boxing Gym. We shall call him Fight Club. That’s all I got.
8:38 – Another new guy. He gives the bachelorette a bottle of wine because he’s trying to get her drunk and sleep with her.
8:39 – Marine guy is next and he’s a class fucking act! #Supportourtroops
8:40 – The next guy tries to tell a bunch of adorable jokes to win over the Bachelorette. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that I am the only one allowed to tell bad jokes around here. I hate this guy. We will call him “Jared Leto”. That’s a Suicide Squad reference. Leto’s Joker looks absolutely terrible.
8:40 – I skipped another dude here. I’m sure he’ll do something stupid later.
8:41 – The next guy is really intense, and kind of scary. But also, from Canada. Those are two things that seem diametrically opposed. We’ll call him Creepy Canadian Guy.
8:42 – Some guy just walked out of a limo with a guitar and played a really crappy song. It’s very obvious he’s only here to advance his shitty singing career. I’m sure this will go well for him.
8:43 – The next guy that walks out of the limo is an Asian guy in a kilt. Apparently he’s half Chinese/half Scottish. He makes a joke about how his “lower half” is the Scottish one. Get it? Like his dick? He’s saying his dick is Scottish. Did you get it? We’ll call him “Kung Pao Haggis*”.
*Look, that might be mildly racially insensitive, but the show just allowed him to make a racist Asian penis joke, so I’m assuming everything is fair game at this point
8:48 – A man just showed up dressed as Santa Claus and the show has officially gone off the fucking rails. The rest of the dudes seem really mad at him for some reason. They’re just worried that Jojo is gonna get a little of that Saint Dick.
This is the kind of high class humor you get here at Scott Watches The Bachelorette 2.
8:49 – The next guy showed up in a stupid fake mustache and made a really terrible mustache pun. I hate him. It is at this moment that my girlfriend chooses to inform me how much girls love corny pickup lines. Now I hate him even more. I shall dub him “Fucking Mustache Guy”
8:50 – The next guy brings a pair of blue balls and invites Jojo to squeeze them whenever she’s stressed. “That is too much,” immediately replies my girlfriend. So we’re ok with corny mustache puns, but we draw the line at ball references. Just for those of you scoring at home.
8:51 – Suddenly we just start jumping through remaining guys as if none of the rest of them are important. It’s like someone was writing a big sign and misjudged the space they had for all the letters. We’re really squeezing them in now. I assume that like half of these montage guys are going home tonight.
8:52 – Some guy just brought an Acapella group out and if It were up to me he’d get the rose right now. Can I give him my rose? Can I marry him?
During all of this the rest of the guys are really upset that Acapella Guy just one upped them all by bringing a well known Acapella group with him. This is a misnomer. There is no such thing as a “well known” Acappella group. Remember last year when that one group went viral with that great Acapella cover of “Mary Did You Know?” Can you remember the name of the group? Of course you can’t. Point: Me.
8:53 – The biracial guy that I mentioned earlier with the sad story just rode in on a motorcycle. I’m not gonna lie this just took him down a peg to me. This, of course, still puts him 73 pegs above all the other guys so far.
8:54 – The final guy to show up is Texas Stereotype Guy, who rides in on a horse because he’s Texas Stereotype Guy.
8:55 – We’re done introducing guys now. I gave a lot of these people nicknames, but there’s like a 90% chance that I won’t remember any of them. Bear with me.
9:02 – The first guy to pull Jojo away and talk to her one on one is Marine Guy, who proceeds to do a bunch of pushups because women like pushups. All the other guys are making fun of him for being short, but I won’t do that because #supportour
9:06 – Sad Mr. Rodgers gets through a SECOND conversation with Jojo without name dropping his brother. I am legitimately impressed now.
9:07 – Jared Leto tries to use one of those fortune teller things that 10 year olds use to sneak a kiss. He might style himself a comedian, but he completely fails to read the room. Jojo gives him the type of kiss your grandmother would give her cat. And not the cat she likes very much. Like the cat that smells like pee and might have a little mange. That kind.
9:09 – Jojo makes out with Sad Mr. Rodgers and then walks around muttering about his butt. I’m starting to really look forward to “Oh do you know that Aaron Rodgers guy…” conversation.
9:14 – At this point I think Santa Claus is starting to really regret deciding to wear a Santa Claus outfit all night. I don’t think they’ve actually even shared his name yet.
9:16 – Creepy Canadian Guy attempts to hit on Jojo by talking to her about this YouTube video he saw once. People of the World: Do not use YouTube to hit on someone. Trust me on this one. No one goes home at night and says “The Date went really well. We watched a 10 minute cat video on YouTube”
Completely Unrelated Sidenote – Check out this funny YouTube video:
9:18 – The biggest drama of the episode so far is that Creepy Canadian Guy poked Boner Guy in the belly button. That’s not even a joke. That’s just a thing that actually happened. “You never poke another man’s belly button” is a line that I just heard on a national television program
9:21 – Creepy Canadian Guy recovers from BellybuttonGate by taking off all his clothes and jumping in the pool. To be fair, he’s super drunk. To be fairer, so is everyone else.
9:28 – There was a boring guy we skipped twice during introductions, but we’re finally gonna talk about him, because he played the shit out of the piano just now. Sing us a song, Piano Man.
9:30 – Texas Stereotype Guy has just given Jojo some Cowboy boots because he’s fucking Texas Stereotype Guy. Do you get his thing yet? Has he made it clear enough!? He also lassoed some cows and chewed a wheat stalk.
9:32 – It was at this point that I realized I don’t completely hate this Jojo girl. Maybe it’s because she’s only made out with one dude, or maybe it’s because the only person I have to compare her to is that crazy chick from last season. Either way….Team Jojo.
9:33 – Sad Mr. Rodgers gets the first impression rose without even having to name drop his brother. This proves conclusively that nothing has changed since High School and quarterbacks always win.
9:34 – Rose Ceremony time! I spent a lot of quality time on these nicknames today, and if I loose some good nickname people I’m gonna be real pissed.
9:36 – Oh shit! Some new guy just walked in the middle of the rose ceremony and my girlfriend is losing her mind. I don’t know who this guy is but the music is all dramatic and my girlfriend has said “No way!” 15 times.
9:40 – Apparently this guy is some former Bachelor dude who is also a close family friend of Jojo. The nepotism on display here is amazing.
9:42 – Turns out he was just there to offer her advice. This was the biggest tease since every other episode of this show. I guess the episode just needed some additional padding so we bring this random fucknut in to waste 5 minutes.
9:49 – A bunch of guys got sent home. Most of them I either didn’t have a name for, or I just plain forgot it. The most interesting of the saves here is that Creepy Canadian Guy somehow gets to stay. I’m beginning to think this guy is the Crazy Healer Guy of 2016, someone that she will never ever end up with but that the producers strongly encourage (read: tell) her to keep around to make the show more interesting. I’d complain about it, but I’m looking forward to more Creepy Canadian Guy antics next week.
The did send home the Half Chinese/Half Scottish guy. I’m kind of ok with this because I was feeling pretty guilty about that nickname. Not guilty enough to erase it and come up with something better, mind you.
10:00 – The last 5 minutes are a bunch of dramatic previews of this season which include: making out, violence, punching, making out, crying, blood, making out, and lots of sitting on stoops pondering existence.
So that’s it for this week! I’ve never really paid attention to these first episodes before and I’m kind of glad of it. Not much actually happens and it’s just a series of awkwardly forced introductions. But hey, it sounds like it’s going to be another great (terrible) season. Check back next week and every week after to catch up on Scott watches The Bachelorette 2!