Last Week On Scott Watches THE BACHELORETTE 2:
- It took 2 whole hours for 30 dudes to walk out of limos
- Several of those dudes got really drunk
- Others were immediately sent back into their limos, never to be heard from again
Thank you everyone for so eagerly sharing and supporting this project last week. The only thing that keeps me going through these depressing, long Monday nights is your unwavering enthusiasm. And wine. Lots of wine. Like a scary, pseudo-alcoholic amount.
Anyway, let’s do this!
7:00 – As per usual the show starts with a 2 minute long “sneak preview” of everything that’s gonna happen. It’s kind of like the “Previously On” thing that every other show does, but the exact opposite. Can you imagine if every episode of Game of Thrones started each episode by telling you exactly what was going to happen for the next hour? Here’s a list of everyone who’s gonna die today, enjoy the fucking show.
7:02 – We immediately pivot to what I believe will be the main plotline of this episode: How douchebaggy this one guy is. We haven’t actually had the privilege of nicknaming this guy yet, so it’s fitting that the show has provided one for me.
7:02– The Douchebag gives a really classy speech in which he simultaneously insults all the other men in the house while treating Jojo as merely a prize to be won. I have a feeling she will be as supportive of that as Jasmine was in the hit Disney classic Aladdin, available everywhere movies are sold.
7:03 – Chris Harrison arrives to cash in his weekly host paycheck as well as remind all the
contestants men the rules of the game show journey towards love.
7:04– The first group date card is read and it is at this moment I realize that I have forgotten every single nickname I made last week. Except for Creepy Canadian Guy, I’ll never forget him.
7:05 – Suddenly an explosion sound is heard that is definitely real and not just a cheap sound effect that ABC picked up for $5 on an mp3 site. The men rush outside to find a stretch limo on fire. They all look around, questioning what’s going on. Several of them wonder aloud if Jojo is in there and if they should be doing anything to help. Naturally, they choose to stand there and do nothing. Heroes, every one.
7:06 – Jojo shows up in a firetruck and puts the fire out as the men continue to stand there looking confused. They do make some really sweet puns about fire and hotness though, so…you know.
7:06 – The Douchebag, who did not get chosen for the first group date is left behind. His innate Douchebaggyness does not allow this to go unnoticed he takes out his frustration by comparing Jojo choosing men to people selecting used cars.
7:11 – We come back from the first commercial break to witness The Douchebag doing some pull-ups with a weight belt attached to his suitcase. In the suitcase is what I’m assuming is 300 pounds of protein, supplements, and steroids. So that’s kind of impressive…
Oh and also completely douchey.
7:12 – The first group date has all the guys competing for Jojo at a Firemen training academy. This seems pretty unfair considering that one of the guys on the date is an actual firefighter. If he somehow loses, I fear for the people and buildings of San Francisco.
7:14 – It isn’t long before one of the smaller (read: actual normal human sized) guys almost passes out from heat exhaustion. This only serves to give him more attention and some one on one time with Jojo. I tried this once by running around a track in July in nothing but a black garbage bag. The only one who gave me some one on one time was the ER.
7:15 – We cut back to the sausage fest of rejected men all hanging out in a pool writing a song for the Bachelorette. This is, of course, led by the singer/songwriter guy. He’s just the worst.
Note: I found out last week that this guy actually went to my school (Texas A&M) I was told this means that I have to be nicer to him. …Nope. Aggie Singer Guy sucks. So do his songs. Thanks and gig ‘em.
7:16 – The Douchebag, in a classic moment of doucheyness is making fun of the guys’ song. For once, I’m completely on his side. This song sounds really, really terrible
7:18 – The firefighting competition comes down to 3 guys: Firefighter Guy (duh), Texas Stereotype Guy, and Almost Passed Out Guy.
Firefighter Guy wins, because he is literally a firefighter. I hope the next date is a Erectile Dysfunction Specialist competition. I wonder who will win that one.
7:23 – Texas Stereotype Guy is really upset that he lost the firefighting competition. He will probably work this stress out by herding some cattle or two stepping down at the local dance hall.
7:24 – Firefighter Guy pulls the “I may die any day” card, which of course works on Jojo, and frankly, on me a little. He and the bachelorette make out. I just want you all to know that I originally wrote like 12 firefighter related puns here, but I erased them all. For you. I guess you can say I extinguished that threat.
7:27 – Almost Passed Out guy somehow gets more one on one time with Jojo, proving that I don’t actually know anything about women. He uses this precious alone time to talk about nothing but his dogs, proving that he doesn’t actually know anything about women.
7:28 – Texas Stereotype Guy also makes out with Jojo. The weird thing about this is, I think they’re all just hanging out on some open rooftop. I’m pretty sure just to the left or right of the frame 9 other dudes are just awkwardly staring at them.
7:30 – Almost Passed Out Guy gets the pity group date rose. No one is more shocked about this than he is.
7:36 – Jojo is going on a one on one date with… Ok look, I don’t actually remember this guy at all. I might have given him a nickname last week, but that was a long time and two bottles of wine ago.
7:38 – Jojo and ___ ‘s date is a series of split second choices (sky or water, north or south, etc) that end up sending them to San Fran for a picnic by the Golden Gate Bridge. Now my girlfriend wants to do this, so thanks for that ABC. I’ll send you the bill.
7:40 – Back at home base, Creepy Canadian Guy and The Douchebag are combining their powers to become an ultra douchetactular force. It’s kind of like Captain Planet only with way tighter underwear.
7:45 – Jojo is continuing her one on one date with _____. I still don’t know enough about this guy to even come up with a good enough nickname. He talks about how his last girlfriend cheated on him, a perfect card to play considering Jojo is clearly still pissed about Bachelor Ben. ____ gets the rose, but still no nickname. I’ve decided we’re just going to call him Blank Slate Guy because he has absolutely no distinguishing characteristics. Consequently, this nickname could also work for about 50% of the men currently on the show.
7:55 – We’re back from commercial and the next group date takes place at ESPN. Jojo is for some reason recording an actual broadcast of Sports Nation, talking about Steph Curry. All this does is remind me that in 5 minutes Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals between the Warriors and the Thunder is starting. And yet. I am here. Watching this stupid fucking show.
8:01 – Over the past 5 minutes the guys have played a series of stupid tangentially sports related games to prove that they are better at stupid tangentially sport related games. Throughout this The Douchebag has been increasingly douchebaggier.
8:02 – Aggie Singer Guy works singing a song into his section of the games because that’s what you do when you’re on the show just to further your singing career. This guy is really giving Texas A&M a bad name. It’s really fortunate that my school hasn’t had any other very public embarrassments lately.
8:04 – The Douchebag goes on a long rant in front of everyone about how everyone else in the house is just acting and pretending. He talks about how it’s impossible to be sure if he’s into Jojo yet because they just met and he wants to see where this is going. The Douchebag is talking logically, and now suddenly I understand why the show has been working so hard to paint him in as negative a light as possible over this past hour. He might be a douchebag, but he’s exposing the ugly underbelly of this show, and they can’t have it.
Suuuuch a douche though…
8:16 – For the last 12 minutes all the dudes have just been getting really really pissed off at The Douchebag. I always find it really funny when all the men team up against the guys who aren’t willing to play into the game and get buddy buddy with the other guys. This always REALLY bothers them. It’s like they want “Bros before Hoes” in this dating competition game show…
8:17 – In his one one one time with Jojo, Aggie Singer Guy drops the following line “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside”. That’s not even true. What about poop? Poop comes from the inside.
8:18 – Aggie Singer Guy reads The Bachelorette a poem and it makes her cry. Is this the first time Jojo has cried!? She made it all the way to halfway through episode 2! That’s gotta be some kind of record. He also gets to make out with her. I have written my own poem to explore how I feel about this:
Roses are Red
Aggies are Cool
But I wish this dumb loser
Would stop embarrassing my school.
8:19 – #SupportOurTroups guy gets some one on one time. The Douchebag takes this opportunity to make fun of his height. I won’t join in, especially considering it’s Memorial Day. Unfortunately, #SupportOurTroups guy decides to sit down in what has to be the world’s largest chair, making him look like some sort of Baby Marine.
8:21 – The Douchebag gets his one on one time, where he reveals his mother died 6 months ago. If it wasn’t for him jumping down everyone else’s throats about lying 15 minutes ago, I would assume this story was completely made up. It still probably could be.
8:22 – Regardless, it works and the two of them make out by a wishing well, proving that all of your dreams will come true as long as you’re a terrible person.
8:23 – My girlfriend just asked me how it makes me feel that I’m older than everyone on this show. Excuse me while I slip into a deep, unending depression.
8:24 – Aggie Singer Guy gets the group date rose, proving that they way to a woman’s pantsheart is with a guitar and some shitty poetry.
Apples are Red
Oranges are Orange
Poetry is easy
This show is so bore-ange
8:26 – We’re in a commercial but the first quarter of the Basketball game just ended. 24-19 Thunder. I cannot believe I’m missing it for this shit.
8:28 – The Douchebag steals The Bachelorette before she even gets to the cocktail party. This naturally infuriates all the other men in the house for some reason I still don’t understand
8:31 – All the other dudes decide to confront The Douchebag about having the audacity to talk to the woman he’s trying to woo. This really dramatic conversation is pretty ridiculous, but it has one of the guys exclaim “Winter is Coming”, this ruining Game of Thrones forever.
8:33 – It then starts snowing on Jojo for some reason, showing that the editors and production designers are, like me, trying as hard as possible to pull some humor and fun out of this terrible show.
8:35 – The show has resorted to making fun of The Douchebag for eating a lot of food. I mean, don’t get me wrong he’s a total douchebag, but this has gotten a little ridiculous. Also that food looks really delicious and it’s free, so why not eat a lot of it?
Note: Half of the men making fun of him for eating a lot got completely trashed during last week’s cocktail party. Maybe if they get in a little more protein they wouldn’t have stumbled around like a drunk idiot.
8:41 – #SupportOurTroups guy gets cut off from his one-on-one with Jojo by The Douchebag. He describes this occurrence as “something out of a horror film”. I agree, getting interrupted while talking falls somewhere between “being gutted by a hook” and “having your dreams invaded by a hideously burned man with a claw for a hand.”
8:43 – The guys once again confront The Douchebag about how he’s being mean to them. He compares this interaction to West Side Story, a movie that I am 98% sure he has never seen.
Sidenote – On ABC’s website providing information about the contestants (yeah I looked it up), Dbag lists his favorite movie as “The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)” I could not come up with a douchier answer if I tried.
8:45 – The Douchebag runs away to go hide with Creepy Canadian Guy, who coincidentally has been much less creepy and much more Canadian this episode.
8:47 – #SupportOurTroups is now confronting The Douchebag for the THIRD time. If it is starting to feel like the last fourth of this episode is just me repeating myself over and over again, it’s because that’s all that has happened. The two guys almost fight each other, but The Douchebag elects to just keep eating more meat instead.
8:53 – Rose Ceremony Time. It’s incredible how few of these men I still don’t know at all.
8:57 – The Douchebag is safe and gets the final rose. A whole bunch of people I don’t really know go home, but one of them describes his occupation as ‘Hipster’ so…maybe that one is for the best. Ironically, he left the show before it was cool.
I’m really proud of the above joke.
8:59 – We are told that next week there are two back to back nights of The Bachelorette. So that’s 4 hours in one week! But…unfortunately…I’m on vacation. So, unless something crazy happens there will not be an episode of Scott watches The Bachelorette next week. I’ll do my best to recap it on the following week’s episode, but I’m not going to be near a TV on Monday or Tuesday. Believe me guys, no one is more upset about this than I am.
As always thanks for your support. If you like this series please share it with your friends. As long as this thing remains popular, I will keep doing it.
Now I’ve got to go watch the second half of the Warriors/Thunder. See you guys in 2 weeks time!