We’re back! I know I said I would have this up yesterday, but then I decided watching 2 hours of The Bachelorette 2 days in a row might actually kill me, so I took a day off in between. But it’s here now! God this show is really long you guys…
Previously on The Bachelorette!
- Jojo did some Sexy Yoga Sex.
- ED Guy’s shirt got like…really stretched out!
- Dbag Guy was storming back into the house to beat some fools up!
0:03 – I really thought we were about to get some awesome punching, but instead it’s just more people whining at each other. DBag Guy attempts to talk to everyone in the most laissez fare, I hate you all kind of way, but then nothing happens. If I had been watching this live I would have been really pissed off. Fortunately, this time last week I was in Disneyland doing awesome things like waiting in a 2 hour line to go on a roller coaster. Sooooo…suck it.
0:06– It’s important to know that all throughout the promos of last night’s episode and now this one, the show has been using the line “[ED Guy], you’re bleeding!” to indicate that something between he and DBag Guy finally actually goes down. Well, it turns out this was just a run of the mill nosebleed that has nothing to do with anything. Fuck you, show. So much.
Also, nosebleeds ED Guy? Here’s a list of people that get nosebleeds:
- People that pick their nose
- People that do drugs
0:10 – DBag Guy is complaining about how everyone on the show seems to be out to get him and that everyone’s talks with Jojo are just about him. It seems to want to paint him as being self absorbed and crazy, but then immediately cuts to various scenes that show us that basically everything he is saying is all true.
I find it interesting that this show is completely fine with spreading a narrative as long as it works for what they’re trying to do. They keep flipping back and forth on deciding if DBag Guy is actually a nutjob or just a guy that’s pointing out things no one else is.
0:12 – And then they cut to him kicking a inflatable flamingo in the face…so I think they’ve settled on the “just crazy” side of the fence.
0:16 – Rose Ceremony Time!
0:20 – DBag Guy gets the last rose, promising some more entertaining TV. At least until he finally punches some dude in the head.
Going home: Sad Story Guy, Santa Claus, Piano Man. Goodbye sweet Piano Man, I never new you. Literally. Who are you again?
0:24 – The team is finally leaving LA and going to…rural Pennsylvania… Is The Bachelorette’s budget doing ok? Didn’t they used to go around the world and stuff?
0:26 – First date this time around is a one on one with Texas Stereotype Guy. They’re doing some forest dogsledding (what?) and then hanging out in a wood burning hot tub or something. For those of you not watching along at home, every time this guy is the focus of the camera some twangy country music starts playing in the background. It is the most annoying thing ever.
0:28 – The Bachelorette tackles some really important issues as it seeks to find love for its contestants. On this one we have discovered that hot tubs are indeed hot.
0:30 – Texas Stereotype Guy makes sure to mention that he grew up on a ranch. I’m sure while he was there he seldom heard a discouraging word and the sky was not cloudy all day.
0:34 – The next date is a group one and it’s everyone in the house except DBag Guy and #SupportOurTroups, which apparently means they’re going on a 2 on 1 date against each other. It’s win or go home in the battle of the National Hero and the guy most recently compared to Hitler, Trump, Mussolini and Bush. I’m sure that’ll be fun.
0:36 – Texas Stereotype Guy is talking about his time as an Officer in the military. I’m not gonna make any jokes here. He gets the rose because you don’t send a guy home who just talked about losing a friend in fucking Afghanistan.
0:39 – There’s one more surprise on this date! The two of them are going to a concert where…for some reason they’re standing ON the stage. They start making out while people are trying to watch a musical performance..
0:40 – “Hey, you! Fucking down in front” – Fan that paid good money to see this band, probably.
0:41 – I wonder how long all these poor people had to wait for these jerks to show up so they could enjoy the music. They all look really tired. I bet it was hours.
0:43 – The next group date is at Heinz Field football stadium, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and of course Not Aaron Rodgers is on the date. So for the second week in a row we’ve had a date featuring an activity that one of the contestants does for an actual living. When are the Real Estate and software sales battles gonna go down?
What about the Hipster that got kicked off last week. Could we have missed out on obscure music and latte foam art competitions?
0:45 – Jojo is talking with Ben Rothlisberger, who somehow got roped into doing this appearance and doesn’t look too happy about it. She just admitted that she knows who Not Aaron Rodger’s older brother is. What!? Did she know the whole time? Why has this not been mined for maximum drama? You’re slipping in your old age, Bachelorette.
0:47 – Aggie Singer Guy somehow ends up bleeding during Football warm up drills. I wish I could say that this is the most embarrassing football related event to happen to an Aggie but…
At least we got Von Miller!
0:49 – Back at the house, DBag Guy and #SupportOurTroops are dealing with their issues by sitting in the same room and awkwardly avoid looking at each other, as all adult humans do.
0:51 – The Football practice is ending with a scrimmage between two sets of guys. Not Aaron Rodgers gets to be all time QB. While this is probably the fairest option for everyone involved, it means he wins no matter what. At the scrimmage, I mean. In the game of life he’s still Aaron Rodgers washed up little brother.
0:52 – ED Guy’s nose is bleeding again. He clearly has some over-circulation issues brought on by the lack of blood traveling to his penis. You know how they say “Those who can’t do, teach?” Well… “Those who can’t perform…open a successful chain of ED clinics specializing in penile rehabilitation”
0:53 – Not Aaron Rodgers is tossing some good pigskin. He’s clearly taking advantage of the fact that this will definitely be his last time playing football in a professional stadium.
0:59 – Jojo tells Not Aaron that she’s just having so much trouble reading him and can’t tell what’s going on with him at all. He replies by telling her that she’s someone he could maybe fall in love with. Apparently that solves all her problems somehow…so they make out.
I feel like we need to stop validating people with super vague nonspecific declarations. For example, someone probably told Donald Trump “I could see you as someone who could maybe be President one day” LOOK WHERE THAT GOT US.
1:00 – Not Aaron Rodgers gets the group date rose. America. Is. Fucked.
1:03 – We’re back to the never ending argument between DBag Guy and the entire rest of the house. I can sum up this and every other argument as follows:
“Do you wanna go outside, right now?”
“Like right now?”
“Do you wanna go?”
*Everyone remains casually sitting on couch*
1:04 – Dbag Guy just gave the most amazing villain speech I have ever heard. Hollywood writers would kill to come up with something that good. Well, it would have been if it didn’t start with the sentence “[Not Aaron Rodgers], you think this is a show?”
I mean, yeah. According to the cameras, boom mics, me, all my readers, and the 2 million people watching you act like an idiot…this is indeed a “show.”
1:05 – #SupportOurTroups is wearing American Flag tube socks just in case anyone forgot he was in the military. Also, he’s short. Sorry, I love the military, but I’m full on #TeamDBagGuy right now.
1:07 – It’s time for the two on one date. We reinforce the drama of this moment by having them being delivered via helicopter to a remote spot in the middle of the wilderness. You know, where death happens.
1:08 – At this point I’m just assuming that DBag guy is going to kill his competition and run screaming into the woods never to be seen again. You might think that ABC would hold back on airing this episode if that happened, but you’re underestimating their desperate scramble for ratings. They air this show THREE times a year, people.
1:09 – There’s a random scene here where both DBag Guy and #SupportOurTroups are seen randomly chopping twigs off a fallen log for no discernible reason. This is the best date ever.
1:10 – #SupportOurTroups gets some alone time with Jojo. He says that he doesn’t want their conversation to all be about another guy…and then immediately starts talking about DBag Guy for five minutes.
1:12 – Jojo confronts DBag Guy about the weird violent threats he’s been making and his response is to smirk a lot and be a general douchebag. That’s right! I’m saying it again. The Douchebag is about to go home and it’s the last time I’m gonna get to say douchebag for a while so I’m getting it all out now.
1:14 – DBag Guy asks Jojo in all seriousness if there is a better way to solve your problems than punching people in the face. All joking aside this guy has some issues he needs to work out.
…Ok now back to the joking.
1:16 – Ok guys, I make fun of this stupid show a lot, because it’s really stupid. But the past few minutes have been so amazingly edited that I need to talk about it. They’re straight up just filming a horror film right now. Intersplicing DBag Guy’s creepy whistling with long shots of the wilderness and mediums of #SupportOurTroups as the DBag slowly approaches. This is Friday the 13th level shit and I love every minute of it.
1:17 – “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes, you know what I mean?”
No! I don’t know what you mean. You can’t just put two nouns together and make a coherent expression. Look I can do it too:
“Life ain’t all Chex Mix and throw pillows, you know what I mean?”
Neither of these sentences make any sense!
1:18 – Wait…DBag Guy is a marine too!? They’re both marines? I can be on his side and still #SupportOurTroups!? My whole world just turned upside down.
1:20 – #SupportOurTroups gets the rose because he just so happens to be the only non crazy person around at the moment. The DBag Saga is finally coming to a close. I have to admit I’m a little sad about it.
1:21 – Back at the house the producers have given all the guys confetti poppers and champagne to celebrate the departure. They could afford this stuff with all the extra ratings Dbag guy was giving them.
1:22 – “I can’t believe [#SupportOurTroups] told Jojo that I was threatening people! Now I’m going to have to go find him,” He threatened.
1:24 – The episode reverts back to full on horror mode as DBag shuffles back to the house and starts pounding on the door. You would think the producers would be responsible human beings and just force him to get into a car and go away. After all, this show isn’t about drama or fights between the guys, right? This is a show all about a girl’s quest to find a real, meaningful relationship. Right? Right!?
The show ends with promises of much more DBag related drama next week. Yay. Come back Tuesday morning to see what happens on the next episode of Scott Watches THE BACHELORETTE!!