Back when I started this thing, I used to think that 2 hours of The Bachelorette each week was the Mount Everest of Reality TV: I could probably climb to the top, but there’s a good chance I was gonna die in the process. Now, as I sit here on a Monday evening, I’m just happy it’s not four hours. How the times have changed.
Previously on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- DBag Guy Was an asshole
That’s pretty much it. In fact, that’s pretty much the last three episodes. I shudder to think what this show would look like had DBag guy not been on. Oh wait, that’s gonna be every other episode from now on. Fuck.
7:02 – The show opens on all the remaining guys in the house celebrating the departure of DBag guy. They’re holding some sort of weird funeral for him or something and spreading his leftover protein powder into the wind. I mean, I guess that’s funny, except I’m looking at all these other guys…and they all definitely use protein powder and workout supplements.
7:03 – Guess who’s playing his guitar to be the musical accontryment to the funeral. GUESS!
7:04 – These scenes are all intercut with DBag Guy slowly walking back towards the house, playing the same creepy whistle track over and over again. Again, props to The Bachelorette editing team.
7:05 – The creepy confrontation that they’ve been building to over the last 5 minutes is just all of them talking…again. This is the most disappointing thing since last night’s Game of Thrones episode. Thats right! Season 6 sucks! Deal with it. (Shameless link to our GoT review series).
7:07 – As the tone and aggressiveness of this conversation escalates, ED Guy thinks it’s a really good time to demand money for his stupid stretched out shirt. This is as timely as a surprise boner during a Middle School slow dance… Of course, ED Guy might not understand that issue.
Get it? Cause of the Erectile Dysfunction? Ahhh…Dick jokes.
7:08 – DBag Guy is officially gone. Fare thee well, my old friend.
7:09 – The rest of the guys are throwing a giant party for #SupportOurTroops, calling him “Dragonslayer.” They also smashed a bunch of cupcakes in his face for no reason. This did not sit well with my girlfriend:
“They. Wasted. Cupcakes.” She will not forget this.
7:13 – They just announced that DBag Guy will be appearing on Bachelor in Paradise, a full 2 months before that show actually airs. They recognize what kind of TV gold they have here. I guess I’m gonna have to watch that show now.
7:15 – I’m gonna take this lull in the show where JoJo is just talking about some random shit that no one cares about to mention that I am sick this week. So while my lovely girlfriend is downing wine like a champ, my wine glass is filled with Pepto Bismol.
7:17 – Like 4 of these guys all look exactly the same and I have no idea who any of them are still. One of them is a former competitive swimmer though, so we’re gonna call him Shittier Michael Phelps.
7:20 – The cocktail party before the rose ceremony is the most boring thing ever. I miss DBag Guy.
7:21 – The rest of the guys agree with me. Hating on DBag Guy brought them together. They formed a fellowship. But with their common enemy gone, the fellowship is splintering. It won’t be long before Not Aaron Rodgers tries to take the ring from
Guys, that was a Lord of the Rings reference. I do a mean Gollum impression, by the way.
7:28 – It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. I honestly don’t care at all who stays and who goes.
7:30 – I was wrong! I wanted Creepy Canadian Guy to stay! Nooooooooooooo.
Going home: Fight Club, Creepy Canadian Guy.
7:31 – But before Creepy Canadian goes home, he just can’t resist being creepy one last time. He admits that he has a nice body, but a rather shitty personality and that’s why he lost. Are all Canadians this self deprecating? Canadian readers, let me know, eh?
7:32– Creepy Canadian Guy says he had a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving his face than ending up with JoJo. This is the most random collection of events ever. I’ve put together a list of some other things that had a better chance of happening to him than getting JoJo:
- Winning the lottery while aggressively masterbating
- Having a piano dropped on his head while watching a How To video on tying a bow tie
- Being in a plane crash while making fresh Canadian maple syrup
- Being eaten by a shark while watching a hockey game
7:33 – They’re off to Uruguay. Nobody actually knows where that is or how to pronounce it, but they’re all really excited for some reason. I guess I would be too if I had just left shitty Pennsylvania.
7:40 – Not Aaron Rodgers gets the first 1 on 1 date. Everyone else is really mad about this. They have found their new DBag Guy.
7:43 – My girlfriend has invented a new drinking game. Every time Jordan flips his hair, take a drink. It’s been 3 minutes and she is dead from alcohol poisoning. You can play at home!
7:44 – Jersey Shore Guy, the barber, has brought some copies of In Touch magazine with him to Uruguay for…some reason. The guys all read in the magazine that JoJo dumped her boyfriend to appear on The Bachelorette. This really upsets them for some reason.
7:47 – In Touch magazine is a known beacon of truth and ethical journalism, so it really makes sense to take this all at face value and get really upset about it. I prefer the National Enquirer and Fox News for all my fair, honest, and ethical journalism myself, but to each their own.
7:50 – JoJo confronts Not Aaron Rodgers about his previous girlfriend, who apparently had some not nice things to say about him. I put “pissed off ex-girlfriends” on the same level as In Touch Magazine as far as reliability of information goes.
7:51 – JoJo says she wishes she could read Not Aaron Rodgers mind. He counters by saying that there’s nothing in there.
Football players, amiright?
7:53 – Not Aaron Rodgers gets the rose and the JoJo tongue.
8:00 – JoJo is feeling really great about her one on one date, so naturally the producers decide that this very moment is the opportune time to show her the In Touch article.
In Touch, ruining people’s happiness one edition at a time.
8:02 – JoJo is really upset and I actually feel bad for her. Fun fact: her ex boyfriend’s name is Chad. I know a Chad that lives in the same building in Dallas that JoJo lives in. I’m not saying it’s the same person…but…Chad? Why you do this to JoJo?
8:05 – JoJo spends 5 minutes crying about the article in front of the guys, and suddenly they’re all not upset about it anymore. So that was a complete waste of time.
8:10 – The next date is a group one, and it takes place on some sand dunes or something. The show looks like it’s trying really hard to go for a Mad Max vibe here, except that movie is actually good.
8:11 – They’re going Sand Surfing which looks like an absolute blast. All these people are really really terrible at it though.
8:13 – Texas Stereotype Guy brings up the In Touch article again because girls love being reminded of the traumatic shit they have to go through. They make out though, so what the fuck do I know?
8:14 – Scratch that, every single one of them is bringing up the article. Real classy.
8:15 – Blank Slate Guy pulls JoJo aside to remind her that he’s still here. At least I THINK this is Blank Slate Guy…I honestly can’t tell. But yeah, he’s still here…and still boring
8:19 – Blank Slate Guy gets the group date rose and #SupportOurTroops is being a real dick about it. Really making it hard for me to support our troops, guy.
8:23 – JoJo finds a wild dog on the beach and just starts petting it. I’m sure this will end well. Hopefully his owner doesn’t show up:
8:24 – It’s time for the one on one date with Shittier Michael Phelps. I just saw them actually eat some food! Is this the first time this has happened on the show?
8:26 – I just now realized how much Shittier Michael Phelps looks t like Not Aaron Rodgers. What is up with washed up athletes going on dating shows? I hope the two of them end up being the final two. Whoever wins, we lose.
8:32 – #SupportOurTroops is continuing to be a real dick to Blank Slate Guy for getting a rose. The fellowship has failed!
8:35 – “He’s the next Bachelor!” my girlfriend suddenly shouts out about Shittier Michael Phelps. She has no inside information about this. She’s just super confident and calling it right now. What do you guys think?
8:36 – Shittier Michael Phelps tells a tragic story about his best friend dying in car accident and then quickly transitions from that to telling her he loves her. She can’t answer, of course, for contract reasons. So she just awkwardly says “Thank you.” This is what every guy wants to hear when you tell a girl you love her. She give him a rose too, so I guess that strategy worked.
Let’s remember that at this point, this guy has known her for all of 5 weeks, most of which he has shared her with like twenty other dudes. So yeah, he’s probably “really” in love.
8:45 – Blank Slate Guy called the remnants of the fellowship out to tell them that they were being mean to him. This goes over about as well as you’d expect. It looks like some former members of the group have coalesced to form the Asshole-ship.
8:48 – JoJo cancels the cocktail party and we’re moving straight into the rose ceremony. Two in one week!? It’s almost as if she wants to get this shit over as quickly as I do.
8:56 – Going home: Jersey Shore Guy, ED Guy, Firefighter Guy
8:58 – It’s getting increasingly hard to make jokes out of this shit as all the interesting guys keep getting sent home. I wonder if ED Guy ever got his money for that stretched out shirt?
9:00 – It looks like there’s gonna be a whole lot more drama on next week’s episode, but I’m tired of actually believing any of the promo shots which are some of the most manipulative shit I’ve ever seen.
Well that’s it for this week. We’re only down to 8 guys now, so we’re almost at the end I think? I miss all the crazy guys. You know on American Idol when the first couple episodes are fun because all the crazy people that can’t actually sing are on. But then they move past those people to the guys with actual talent and the show just stops being remotely enjoyable. That’s where we are right now…
DBag Guy Forever!