Another week, another episode of The Bachelorette. Normally I dread Sunday nights, as I prepare for another long week of work, but now because of this I have begun to dread Monday nights. You’ve all ruined my Mondays, is what I’m saying. Anyway, let’s get started!
Previously on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- Everyone remotely interesting got sent home
- The people who were previously complaining about Dbag guy being a DBag started acting like Dbags.
- The Uruguay tourist industry was forever damaged by agreeing to appear on this show.
7:02 – The show begins and we’ve left subpar Uruguay and moved on to Buenos Aires: A city most well known for being the place all those white people in Starship Troopers were from:
If any of you have actually scene Starship Troopers, you just loved that joke. The rest of you all suck.
7:03 – Chris Harrison shows up during one of JoJo’s “Sit on a bench pondering my existence” moments that happen 37 times each episode. He’s got to be here for an important reason.
7:04 – Turns out he was just there to ask really stupid questions like “How are you doing?” and “Can you believe you’re sitting in Buenos Aires?” This guy gets paid millions of dollars to do this job.
7:05 – Shittier Michael Phelps just called BA the “city of love.” Apparently this is just a thing that you can call any city you feel like.
I hereby dub Boogertown, North Carolina the city of love. Boogertown, where you can always pick the right one.
7:05 – Chris Harrison announces to the group that, for the first time EVER, there will be another two on one date. Apparently, this is what counts as high drama after DBag guy has been kicked off the show.
7:06 – Aggie Singer Guy declares “Two on one dates are no mas!” This is Spanish for “No more” and actually doesn’t make any fucking sense at all, but thanks for representing my college education well, you dipshit.
7:07 – Almost Passed Out Guy gets the one on one date and reveals that he’s never actually kissed JoJo yet. The rest of the guys treat him like he’s a fucking leper virgin or something and start making fun of him. This is the kind of classy shit you get from adult humans on reality TV.
7:14 – Apparently we’re gonna make this whole damn date about the fact that they haven’t kissed yet. It’s so weird that two people that have never actually spent any alone time together haven’t shoved their tongues down each other’s throats yet, right!? This is why the terrorists hate us.
7:17 – The date is at some cool BA performing arts show and it looks really fun. They’re sliding around half naked in a suspended pool and this is literally the perfect time to make out with someone, but Almost Passed Out Guy refuses to do it.
7:19 – He did it! He actually did it!
Wait…the show just convinced me to care about this bullshit “First Kiss” subplot didn’t it? God damnit.
7:24 – During their dinner Almost Passed Out Guy has to stand up and take off his jacket because he’s getting too hot. So, for the second time this season, Almost Passed Out Guy has almost passed out. At least I’m really good at picking nicknames.
7:27 – While the one on one date is going on, a group date card shows up at the dude’s hotel room. We’re told that if the guys aren’t on this card, it means they’ll be part of the winner take all 2 on 1 date later in the episode. Those guys are:
Blank Slate Guy and…uhh…
Wait…maybe this other guy is Blank Slate Guy?
Fuck, I have no idea who this second guy is. He’s got like really swoopy hair and looks like every other guy on this show? I think he was the one that did the sexy yoga. Uhhh…let’s call him Hair Swoop Guy?
So Blank Slate Guy and Hair Swoop Guy are on gonna be on the two on one. Which will go home!? I don’t care.
7:29 – Almost Passed Out Guy doesn’t get the rose and is going home. So when JoJo pressured him into making out with her? That was just her fucking with him. Isn’t reality TV awesome?
7:31 – Almost Passed Out Guy shall return home to his lucrative career of being a DJ and constantly almost passing out every time it gets a little warm. I feel like these things don’t mix very well.
7:32 – JoJo leaves the date and apparently just stumbles into a club by herself. This is the most hilarious and simultaneously depressing thing I have ever seen. What if Almost Passed Out Guy was DJing in the club! That’d be great.
7:38 – It’s group date time! Aggie Singer Guy is being really awesome and talking about his body issues…again. I hear girls really love it when you show how insecure you are and stuff. Isn’t that an aphrodisiac? Or was that Oysters? I always get those two things confused.
7:40 – This date is apparently them just challenging random Argentinian street soccer players to a football match. The date ends with a penalty shot contest between the 5 guys, the winner gets to kiss JoJo. Aggie Singer Guy is the only one that scores because the producers decided that would fit best with the body issues narrative they’ve been building since the date started. It’s almost as if this Reality TV show had a script…
Sidenote: If you look in the background of this scene, you can clearly see a crew member holding a copy of the script.
7:48 – The post Group Date activity is the part of the show where nothing interesting happens for like 10 minutes. Basically JoJo just sits down with each of the guys on the group date and makes out with them one by one.
7:49 – Even the producers agree this shit is boring because the cut back to the house to watch two dudes read words off of a paper card. It’s the 2 on 1 Date card for Blank Slate and Hair Swoop.
7:51 – We’re back to the group date and Aggie Singer Guy spends his alone time with JoJo narcing on Not Aaron Rodgers for something to do with rules for a card game? So, an Aggie does not lie, cheat, or steal…but they apparently tattle tale on people for no apparent reason.
7:57 – JoJo confronts Not Aaron Rodgers about CardGameGate. He treats it about as seriously as he should considering this whole fucking confrontation is so boring the show didn’t even bother to show it to us as it was happening.
7:59 – JoJo asks Not Aaron Rodgers if he was acting entitled. He pretends to not even know what that word means. He’s not saying very much at this point but here’s what is going on in his head right now: “You know who’s fucking entitled? Aaron. That asshole got everything handed to him, while some of us had to work extra hard just to get out of his shadow. Green Bay isn’t even a cool place! Cheese? Fuck cheese! You better Discount Double Check yourself before you discount double wreck yourself” I mean, that’s probably what he’s thinking.
8:01 – Not Aaron Rodgers returns to the group and he’s really pissed off. At first it seems like he’s giving Aggie Singer Guy the silent treatment for tattling, but I’m pretty sure he’s just yelling at his older brother in his head still.
8:03 – CardGameGate is officially as dumb as DeflateGate (#FreeBrady). Sidenote: If there was a new scandal that occurred at the Watergate Hotel would we call it WatergateGate? What would we call a scandal involving water? What about a scandal involving gates? These are things I think of 1 hour into The Bachelorette.
8:04 – Texas Stereotype Guy gets the Group date rose. He exclaims “yeehaw” and starts talking about how awesome Davy Crockett was or something. Ok that didn’t actually happen, but you believed that it did, didn’t you?
8:11 – It’s two on one date time with two guys that are so boring that I’m honestly not sure which nickname goes to which guy. This is gonna be rough.
8:12 – The date is a 3 person tango lesson which manages to systematically ruin the phrase “It takes two to tango.” I don’t even know what to believe anymore. This is the worst three person tango since 1999’s Three to Tango starring Neve Campbell, Matthew Perry, and Dylan McDermott.
8:14 – It’s hard not to watch these boring dance lessons and think about the last two on one date: When DBag Guy plotted to murder #SupportOurTroups and hide his body somewhere in the Pennsylvania Wilderness. I miss those days…
8:22 – Blank Slate Guy tells JoJo he is falling for her. Little does he know, Shittier Michael Phelps told her this like 3 episode hours ago. In Bachelorette years, that’s more or less an eternity.
8:23 – Guys, if you’re not actually watching along at home you don’t understand how boooooooooooooooooooooring each of these guys is. I’m falling asleep over here.
8:25 – Hair Swoop Guy and JoJo are arguing about how he feels or something. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Remember when DBag Guy got so mad that he threw an empty cup into a river? You showed that fucking river, Dbag Guy!
…I miss him so much!
8:29 – Ironically, the entire time that JoJo is lecturing Hair Swoop Guy about not showing his true feelings for her, she is rubbing the everliving shit out of his inner thigh. There’s some mixed messages going on here. Also, boners.
8:30 – Hair Swoop Guy gets the rose, so Blank Slate Guy is having to go home. This is like when you’re at the paint store with your girlfriend and she’s making you choose between Eggshell White and Feather White. I can’t tell the difference between the two and they’re both really boring, so pick whichever one you want and let’s move on with our lives.
8:35 – Blank Slate Guy starts crying and tells himself “Don’t cry” while JoJo and Hair Swoop dance to some lady singing “Don’t cry for me Argentina” This is so fucking on the nose it’s a pimple on a pubescent teenager.
8:43 – We’re at the cocktail party and Not Aaron Rodgers is still really bent out of shape about being called entitled…almost as if Aggie Singer Guy hit a nerve or something. He gets to make out with JoJo anyway, so I guess everything’s cool.
8:45 – #SupportOurTroops is really worried about being sent home because he looks around and realizes that all the guys left (and JoJo) are significantly taller than him.
8:46 – Aggie Singer Guy is also really worried about being sent home because he can’t stop talking about how much better looking every other guy is than him.
8:53 – Rose Ceremony Time. There are 6 guys left. 2 have roses already: Texas Stereotype Guy and Hair Swoop Guy. There are 3 roses left for the remaining 4. Who is going home!?
8:56 – Right before she’s going to hand out the last rose JoJo storms out to go talk to Chris Harrison about something. She says she can’t hand out this final rose and the show is making it seem like both #SupportOurTroups and Aggie Singer Guy are going home. But I’ve been watching this show for two whole years now, and I know when I’m just being manipulated…
8:58 – Yep. JoJo walks back into the ceremony and Chris Harrison shows up…with two roses! So the dramatic conclusion to this episode is that nothing changes at all! Hurray.
8:59 – Just so we all are on the same page, Chris Harrison gets paid millions of dollars to walk into a room and drop off a tray of roses. I’m really glad I went to college for 5 years.
And that’s it for this week. I hope you all enjoyed my recap. We have 6 guys and I’m assuming 4 more episodes to go! We’re past the halfway point and I’m holding on by a fucking thread over here. But at the end of the day, you know what they say: The Bachelorette is no mas.
Check back next week for another exciting episode of: Scott Watches The Bachelorette!