It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last had to sit down and watch this show. Last Monday was The Fourth of July and ABC had enough sense to not show a new episode of The Bachelorette. Thank God. The last thing I wanted to do on the birthday of my country is watch the show that is slowly, but inevitably destroying it.
But it’s been a week since then and this stupid show is back. You know how you take a week vacation from your job and the first day back is always so terrible you just want to die? That’s how I’m feeling about watching The Bachelorette right now. Also I think I might need a new job.
Anyway, let’s do this thing.
Last week Two weeks ago on Scott Watches The Bachelorette:
- Umm…I actually don’t remember anything that happened last time.
- That was so long ago.
- How many guys are left?
- What is this show about?
- Is Aggie Singer Guy still here?
7:02 – We open the show with JoJo packing to leave Buenos Aires. It’s funny, they always show shots of her folding clothes and shots of her zipping up suitcases, but they never actually show her putting any of her clothes in those suitcases. I’m gonna assume some poor intern is responsible for packing up all the bachelorette’s shit.
I went to Medieval Times tonight and there was a guy whose sole job was to scoop up horse shit in between Jousts. I bet Bachelorette Packing Intern 01 is probably envious of that job.
7:04 – I’ve spent the last two minutes trying to remember who these guys are and how many there are left. The answer is 6, by the way. I’m now remembering the last episode ended with JoJo coping out of the rose ceremony and refusing to send anyone home. This is lame even by Bachelorette standards.
7:05 – Chris Harrison jumps into the frame to cash his weekly check and remind everyone about the rules of the game in case we’ve forgotten in the past two weeks (I had).
7:06 – #SupportOurTroops says he feels like the black sheep of the group. My girlfriend immediately responds “It’s cause you’re short!” She clearly does not #SupportOurTroops.
7:07 – #SupportOurTroops gets the first One on One Date of the week. Handy Bachelorette viewing tip #7401: If the show is suddenly showing a guy talk more than others regarding how much he wants and needs this one on one time, it means he’s about to get it.
7:09 – The one on one date is them sitting in a car on a road trip eating Pringles. You know what they say, Pringles: Once you pop, you have to awkwardly sit in a car for 3 hours with cameras pointed at you.
Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recaps, but my Pringles sponsor rep has informed me that I will need to put in some additional mentions to qualify for my sponsorship check. So here we go:
Pringles: The most fun you’ll have with a long cylinder that doesn’t involve putting your dick in it.
Pringles: Why the fuck is the can hole smaller than my hand?
Pringles: These don’t actually taste like anything resembling food, but I can’t stop eating them anyway.
Pringles: Because we looked at a tennis can and said “Yeah. We should put food in that.”
7:10 – While The Bachelorette and #SupportOurTroops are awkwardly driving somewhere in a car, the rest of the group is following them in a bus. They decide to pass the time by doing some truly horrendous and clearly heavily rehearsed “freestyle” rapping. It’s kind of like the hit broadway play Hamilton, in that after listening to these guys for 2 minutes I want to pull an Aaron Burr and shoot them all in the face.
7:16 – The one on one date transitions to visiting a Argentinian ranch. I’m truly impressed that they managed to make “eating terrible chips in the backseat of a car” sound more interesting by comparison.
7:17 – The show dresses #SupportOurTroops in traditional Gaucho (Argentinian Cowboy) attire and then proceeds to make fun of him for looking ridiculous. He’s standing around a bunch of actual Gaucho’s dressed in that same attire, so that’s pretty fucking mean, show. Way to respect other people’s culture.
7:20 – I can’t be totally sure, but I think they just showed a man fucking a horse on national TV.
7:30 – The men are staying at this really awesome Argentinian Polo Club with an infinity pool. I’m not even gonna make a joke about this. I’m just really jealous.
7:31 – Not Aaron Rodgers gets the second one on one date card. He’s handling this very nonchalantly considering he’s very used to finishing second in everything he does.
7:33 – #SupportOurTroops tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. Apparently reading body language was not part of Marine training because she’s clearly not into him at all. I think she’s about to cut him short.
*Get it? That was a height joke.
7:35 – Yep. She sends him packing. She doesn’t specifically say it was because he is really short, but I think we all know this. Girls, she could never wear heels with him! That’s a big deal I am told. I am also told that that’s the main reason my girlfriend is dating me. What is love?
7:37 – The show just missed a really great opportunity to have #SupportOurTroops jump on a horse (pony) and ride off into the darkness. I really should be writing for them.
7:44 – Not Aaron Rodgers and JoJo hop on a private jet and go off to go wine tasting in fucking Mendoza, Argentina. Further proof that all you need to manufacture romance is infinity dollars.
7:46 – They’re stomping grapes now. Every time I see this I can’t help but think of this video:
I feel really guilty about laughing at this. But not enough that I didn’t just watch it 5 times in a row.
7:47 – They’re now drinking feet flavored grape juice. I’d be worried about Not Aaron Rodger’s athlete’s foot, but he’d have to actually be an athlete to have that.
#SportsBurn! The only thing that burns more than that #SportsBurn is the Athlete’s foot that Not Aaron Rodgers has never had.
7:48 – While JoJo and Not Aaron Rodgers make out in a hot tub, the rest of the guys plot on how best to get him kicked off the show. They do this by once again bringing up how his famous brother must make him a terrible person. While this is probably true, it would lend some credence to the argument if they had any actual evidence. Well, besides that one time when he strictly enforced the rules in a card game. So he’s basically Hitler.
7:55 – Shittier Michael Phelps, Aggie Singer Guy, and Hair Swoop guy all got selected for the group date, which means that Texas Stereotype Guy gets to go on a one on one date. Maybe they’ll all get sent home and we can just call the show here?
7:56 – “I can’t wait to eat” says Not Aaron Rodgers. Not Pictured: Them actually eating food.
7:58 – Not Aaron Rodgers is discussing who JoJo would meet during hometowns next week. Which means it’s time for some Rodgers family drama! The dramatic reveal: Real Aaron Rodgers will not be there next week to meet JoJo.
This man has perfected the art of looking excited and indifferent simultaneously
Not Aaron is throwing some serious shade at Real Aaron, saying that he made choices that resulted in them not having a relationship. Oh I’m sorry, Not Aaron Rodgers, your older brother was too busy being a fucking champion to bother with your stupid dating show.
8:00 – Not Aaron Rodgers takes off his jacket to remind everyone that he has arms (that aren’t good at throwing footballs) and tells JoJo that he loves her. She actually likes it this time and they make out a whole bunch.
8:05 – Aggie Singer Guy starts talking to himself in the mirror about how good he looks, reminding me of just how much I hate him. At least he doesn’t sing it.
8:06 – The group date is just the three dudes and JoJo hanging out in a hotel room drinking. I’m pretty sure this is the start of a porno.
8:07 – Aggie Singer Guy starts off the date on a romantic note by shoving 30 french fries in his mouth at the same time. It’s like a hotdog eating contest where nobody gives a shit and everyone loses. So, basically all hotdog eating contests.
8:09 – I’m now watching a bunch of grown ass people play Truth or Dare on network television. You know how many other shows I could be watching instead of this right now? There’s a near infinite amount of television out there now, and I’m watching truth or fucking dare.
8:10 – Now we’re watching The Bachelorette and some dudes sit on a bed and watch the Brazilian version of The Bachelor on TV. We’re watching a shitty show watch another shitty show. Can we get some camera crews in my house? I’m sure you would all love to watch me watch them watch TV. It would at very least be as equally entertaining as this shit.
8:16 – Aggie Singer Guy is making up some bullshit about how Shittier Michael Phelps is checking out every single girl he sees on the street. I mean, this is probably true, but…whatever happened to the Aggie Code of Honor! You’re gonna lose this fight, but at least lose clean, Aggie.
8:18 – Shittier Michael Phelps informs JoJo that he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years about 4 months before appearing on the show. I’m pretty sure casting calls for this show go out at least 4 months before the start of filming, but no one else seems to notice or comment on this. He broke up with his girlfriend to appear on the show, is what I’m saying.
8:22 – We’re once again treated to Aggie Singer Guy having self-confidence issues by asking JoJo if she likes him as much as she likes the other guys. This guy really is the worst.
8:30 – All of the guys are arguing over which of them is the “frontrunner.” This is just in case you mistakenly were thinking this is a show about finding love and not just a giant dating contest.
8:31 – Number of times the word “frontrunner” was used in the last 1 ½ minutes: 437.
8:32 – Shittier Michael Phelps get the Group Date Rose, meaning that JoJo is meeting his parents next week. Aggie Singer Guy looks like he wants to crawl into a fetal position and die. Maybe he should go shove some more french fries into his mouth.
Pringles: We’re not legally allowed to call them potato chips!
8:40 – It’s time for Texas Stereotype Guy’s one on one date with JoJo, and they’re at a ranch doing cowboy things because he’s fucking Texas Stereotype Guy. I can tell already this entire date is going to be obnoxious.
8:42 – Now they’re going skeet shooting because Texas is all about Horses and Guns. So is Argentina, apparently. JoJo manages to hit a target, or at least the editing of the show strongly suggest she hit a target. Either way, she’s still a better shot than Vice President Dick Cheney.
8:44 – To JoJo, Texas Stereotype Guy is a “real man”. Someone who knows how to tend to horses and shoot shotguns at flying disks of clay.
Oh yeah, well…I taught my dog how to high five and can sit on my couch drinking wine and writing sarcastic comments about a shitty TV show. Who’s the real man now!?
8:50 – Sometimes when I go back and re-read my minute by minute recaps each week, I notice that I normally start out commenting a ton at the beginning of the episode, but by the end I’m skipping a lot more minutes. I usually chalk this up to just being bored and tired of watching this stupid show, but I paid really close attention this time and I figured something out: They front load each episode. The first 30 minutes, a lot of stuff happens. The last 5 minutes, a lot of stuff happens. The other 85 minutes: NOTHING HAPPENS. Just remember this when you’re wondering why I just made a Pringles joke for the 7th time. I have very little material to work with these days.
8:52 – We’re going into a Rose Ceremony now though, so…yay?
8:53 – Texas Stereotype Guy comments that the building the rose ceremony is in looks like the Alamo. I can’t even make this shit up. It’s like he’s actively trying to check every Texas Stereotype box. Next week I bet he starts talking about how much he loves Whataburger Spicy Ketchup.
8:54 – Ok to be fair, it really does look like the Alamo. Also, Whataburger Spicy Ketchup is delicious.
8:55 – I still can’t believe it is Chris Harrison’s job to step on the set and say “This is the final rose tonight” (a fact that is clearly visible to all men involved) and then just walk away. He gets money to do this. Lots of money! I know I talk about this a lot, but it is insane!
8:56 – Aggie Singer Guy is going home!!!!!! Hullabaloo Caneck Caneck!
8:58 – I’ve seen him win, I’ve seen him lose…but damn, I have to admit this guy took this rejection like a champ. Aggie Singer Guy finally makes my school look good…by leaving the show. I wish he had done it sooner.
Well that’s it for this week. There are four guys left. They all kind of look the same and act the same and they all have the exact same hair swoopiness. I’m sure this will make for some really exciting TV.
Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Scott Watches The Bachelorette!! Until then, head to your local grocery store and get you some Pringles Pizza Flavored Snack Crisps!
Pringles: For when you’re craving pizza that doesn’t look, taste, or smell like pizza.
Can I get my money now?